Courtesy of Zero Punctuation, please see: A Review of Pokemon B&W

If you are not familiar with the reviews of Zero Punctuation, look him on youtube; he's totally excellent.

I only just discovered this particular review of our very own Pokemon. Let's watch shall we?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrEcN-9c3MA

By following the link, obviously...I don't have the technology to put a video up on here - maaaadneeeessss.

In Praise of Team Rocket

While I hate to endorse thuggery of any kind, I like my queens flaming, my tea hot and my thugs thuggy. As such, I would like to praise Team Rocket for one moment.

Ever since the trainer population became acquainted with Team Rocket in Mount Moon (you'll recall that they were trying to mug off some nerd and his fossils) it has been clear that Team Rocket have never been anything but thieves. Their aim is simple; steal powerful or rare Pokemon, gain power & fortune. A simple and realistic aim for a criminal organisation, carried out with clear efficiencey - here is the thing we want, let us take by force.

Fighting off Team Rocket again in Pokemon Fire Red is a refreshing experience. I'm tired of having to consider my stance when fighting criminals and terrorists, as I have had to do in all other Pokemon games. Team Magma & Aqua debating the benefits of the ocean and land and what good we humans really are. Team Plasma, an ideological group who forced me to question the very idea of capturing Pokemon and thus, whether or not I could really be allowed to play the game at all. It annoys me because it forced me out of the role of travelling Pokemon Trainer, who accidentally stumbled upon bullying and criminality [in the guise of Team Rocket] and instead forced me into the role of concerned campaigner. As a voiceless protagonist, I can't help but feel that words have been put in my mouth:

N: I don't believe Pokemon should be ruled by humans, blah blah blah - SO! I see you disagree! What's that? You say Pokemon and people are partners?
My Own Voiceless Thoughts: No, I didn't say anything, I just want to leave, where are the police?
N: Fine then! We shall battle to see who is right!
My Own Voiceless Thoughts: No, go away.
*battle music*

At least with Team Rocket, life was simple. I've stummbled upon a crime! They're dicking on this guy - I can't just stand by and ignore that, go Side-Kick [Primeape]Bring back Team Rocket. And a police force. I'm just a person, not a super-hero!

P.S. Looks like Team Rocket are blasting off again.

Let's Do This Again Sometime

It was a great idea to introduce a method of 're-battling' trainers early on in the Pokemon series. Its more effective and more interesting method of training your Pokemon up than fighting wild Pokemon, especially once you have defeated the Elite Four.

However, Game Freak have never truly settled on method of battling old opponents. The methods that have been used are:

-The VS Seeker
-The Cell Phone
-That...thing that says when people want to battle again.

The worst is the Cell Phone, introduced in Pokemon Gold & Silver. It means you have to idiotically go through everyone on the off chance that they might want to battle again and often they will never want to battle, but will offer you an insight into their mediocre life..."Zubats are scary!"..."I hate when my Mum makes me come in from battling"...or of course, the favourite, "I LOVE SHORTS".
The Cell Phone might as well not exist, although once a guy called me up on it and explained that Stomp is doubly as effective if used against a Pokemon that has used Minimize, which I think if very interesting.

The third one (which I can't remember the name of) worked ok, but it was very limited to just a few trainers and was very random and odd. It was introduced in Pokemon Sapphire & Ruby and it was just a machine with a list of some trainers and a pokeball would appear next to their name if they wanted to battle again.

Now...the VS Seeker is excellent. You can run alongside any trainer in the game and try it out. So you are in control and choose who to battle again and most of the time, the other trainers do want a rematch. There are no random, time-wasting calls and no lack of certainty. Also, your opponenets Pokemon slowly improve. The one downside is that it needs charging by walking so many steps in the game, but thats really no trouble and encourages further exploration or battling of wild Pokemon.

This was a pointless article but I needed to express my love of the VS Seeker and my desire to see it in all future Pokemon games. Needless to say that Pokemon Black & White messed up the whole thing. If Apple made a VS Seeker, it's the one thing of theirs that I would happily buy.

A Whirlwind Update in Kanto #1 (pics pending)

Apologies Pokefans [haha...pokefans...I'm slowly becoming an anime fan boy. A Faniboy. Ahem] Anyway, apologies Pokefans, for my lack of updates. Technical difficulties have resulted in my having no internet or laptop for some weeks.

But let's see what's happened in that time.

So your old pal Trainer Chaz has gone back to Kanto to gather his wits and I must say it's be lovely to breath in the refreshing air of Pallet Town once more. It beats Black City any day. I wandered into some tall grass with Mega-Blast, my Squirtle.

I walked through Viridian City and cleverly took a left to a patch of grass on Route 22 where I happened to be aware of some early rare Pokemon. I caught me a Mankey and called it Side-Kick, which I think you'll agree, is a rich play on words. It's a fighting Pokemon? Good, anyway, I then tried to go onwards to Viridian Forest, but every time I did so an old man tried to stop me and teach me how to catch Pokemon. Naturally the only way to stop him doing this was to run an errand for Professor Oak, so I ran a package down to him (yeah, you're welcome, maybe now you'll let me ride my bike indoors instead of popping into my head everytime).

Task done, I went on. I've adopted a policy of catching every Pokemon in an area before moving on, so I spent some time looking for a Pikachu, but neglected to put it in my squad because I happen to already have a pretty nifty Raichu called Zeno. God I'm cool.

So look, let's get to it; Brock. Brock didn't count on my Mankey being as deadly as it is awesome. A dangerous mistake to make Brock, because Mega-Blast and Side-Kick made short work of his Pokemon. Boulder badge in ma belly in ma belly.

Then it was on to Mount Moon. Caught a Jigglypuff and thought, yes, sure it's out there, but why not. The name is Love-Lost and it's just great.

Some guy tried to sell me a Majikarp outside Mount Moon, but I was onto his game. Nice try MATE, but I'm banking on a stranger giving me a fishing rod before the day is through.

There were some bozos in Mount Moon calling themselves Team Rocket. They were trying to bully a nerd into giving them one of his fossils. They presumed that I was going to do something about it and began to fight me. When I defeated them, the nerd gave me a fossil out of gratitude, which seemed odd, given that I was fighting so that he could keep them, sort of.
I noted also how nice it was to fight a group of terrorist criminals who only cared about blatant crime and crime alone, as opposed to battling with a group of idelogical, loon-bags.

I chose a dome fossil and came out of the mountain, having failed to catch a Geodude or Clefairy, so there goes that plan. Then I met two blokes who offered to teach my Pokemon how to Mega Punch and Mega Kick, which I took them up on, since these are bloody powerful moves to have with only one badge to your name.

Won on Nugget bridge and was offered the chance to join Team Rocket but declined. Met Bill and but he had somehow turned into a Pokemon. I helped him turn back. It was weird and disgusting. Then I went to back into Cerulean City to try and win a Cascade Badge. It was relatively challenging, but by this time Mega-Blast had learnt bite, which saw off Misty's Starmie which, as we all know, is a water and psychic Pokemon.

I won the Cascade Badge. As I left Cerulean City I had to cut through someones house. It had been broken into. While everyone was totally stumped, I found the criminal in the garden of the house and he decided to fight me with no provocation. I beat him, since he had the usual array of Rattatas and Koffings and Ekans. He returned the thing he stole, TM...18? Which was Dig. I went to return it to the house but the man said he no longer wanted it, which was weird, so I kept it.

Took an underground passage to Vermillion City, because the gate into Saffron City was blocked. From what I could understand, there was absolutely no problem other than the fact that the guard was thirsty. I wasn't sure why that meant I couldn't go through, but whatever. Anyway, I arrived at the Vermillion City Poke Center in one piece and a woman at the desk gave me a VS Seeker. I had no idea why she was handing out free electronics, but I accepted it because it's such a good tool.

Part Two coming relatively soonish.

Pokemon Trainer On Fire

Sorry all for the lack of posts. I have been in training deep in the mountains, contemplating what it means to be a Pokemon trainer, our relationship with Pokemon and what exactly would happen if I drank a Super Potion. I concluded that to be a Pokemon trainer is to act as a conduit between Pokemon and people, our relationship with Pokemon is one of mutual respect and friendship and also my HP increased by 50 points.

I also came to this conclusion. I'm afraid that Pokemon Black & White were...quite disappointing. I'd go so far as to say that they were...very disappointing? In fact they proved correct the people who claim that Pokemon Red & Blue were the only Pokemon games worth owning. Not true. Not true, at least, until this version. When it comes to the newest version of the videogame, it seems enough to stick a pair of eyes on a brush and call it Brushy. Design and gameplay went out the window and in its place Game Freak seem to have focused on linking the Pokemon community into what seems a poorly designed social network, loosely affiliated with Pokemon (entralinks, dream worlds, c-gears, etc). Perhaps it would have worked, had this been done via some other medium, but the wireless internet support for the Nintendo DS has only ever been as reliable or widespread as that of the Gamecube, which as we know, was virtually non-existent.

As such, the game suffered. The Pokemon journey of each game needs to be interpreted differently by everyone who encounters it. There was no naming of your rival or real decision making in Pokemon Black & White, it was all laid out in the form of a linear RPG. Pokemon was always technically an RPG, but to inflict such a stringent storyline on the player robbed the game of its heart. What we got was a game geared to draw new players into the rules & concept of the thing and in turn to peddle the DS-i to us. By making the game far better suited to the DS-i by limiting those playing it on a regular DS was a pretty shallow move. You'll notice that the same thing did not happen during the jump between GBA & original DS.

With that fact in mind, I started a new file on Pokemon Fire Red, a game catridge lost to me until I recently found it in a dark, dank, hole. Much was my celebration. And what better time to start a new Pokemon file than when travelling abroad?

So prepare yourself, ye who are all faithful to Pokemon, for now shall be the accounts of everything you ever heald dear. Trainer Chaz revisits Pokemon Fire Red. Press start.



Reader! Your very own POKEMON legend is about to unfold! A world of dreams and adventures with POKEMON awaits! Let's Go!

Not Another Bloody Big Mushroom

Why is the world stingey? If you'll recall, rare candies were the creme doo-di-doo creme, back in the days of Red & Blue. If you managed to work your way to a distant mountain peak, or had the cunning to look under an isolated looking shrub, then chances are that you got your just deserts - a rare candy.

Geezuz Christ, I mean, that shit rasies your Pokemon ONE WHOLE LEVEL! Think how much time that friggin' saves! When you're Pokemon is level 75 and it's taking millenia to level it up each time, it's pretty tempting to cram a boiled treat down it's throat now and again.

But even if your puzzle solving and natural curiosity weren't rewarded with precious rare candy, you'd at least receive something like an ether. Ethers are hugely helpful when it comes to the Elite Four and you realise that you've been using Earthquake way too much (they shouldn't make it such a good move). Plus, you can't buy ether, you have to find them, so again, it's a pretty nice thing to come across.

So you can imagine my increasing annoyance as I trecked through the Unova Region and all I could find were bloody, Big Mushrooms. There I was, walking around like a tit head, waving the "Dowsing Machine" around my head like a bloody berk (that's the itemfinder to those who prefer old skool terminology) and every time I got close to something that I expected to be amazing - IT WAS A BLOODY BIG MUSHROOM!! No! No, I don't want this! Whose idea was it at the Game Freak that decided to scatter mushrooms all over the sodding floor in this game? What botantic madman decided to chuck spores out far and wide so that every single Pokemon trainer who went out to the world was forced to traaawl through a series of undeeded crappy old fungus-prizes before on the rare occassion finding themselves an ether.

I mean, do you remember when people wanted rare candy SO badly, that they would corrupt their very save file just to gain an infinite, if illegitimate, supply of the things. Oh Cinnibar island; that coastline of yours held such mysteries, some of which even you couldn't explain. But can you imagine modern trainers today, surfing up and down one of the ports in Castelia City in order to cheat and gain x100 Big Mushrooms? No, me neither. And no, not even those mushrooms, you hippy.

A big mushroom is basically described as "a mushroom that can be sold to a collector for a high price" - WHAT COLLECTOR? That sounds as if I'm going to be wandering along one day and stummble across something called 'The Unova Region Annual Mushroom Convention '11! Come on in and join the fun! We have rissotto and rides and fancy dress and most important of all; BIG MUSHROOMS. Great. No, the only collector is your recgular shop vendor, so I'll sell that for 50 credits and be on my way shall I? Thanks for forcing me to fill my pockets with these entirely useless items. Why put these in the game, WHY? They're completely useless.

OH LORD, and don't even get me sodding started on the those bloody SMALL mushrooms.


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!

Day 5 in the Unova Region - "Castelia City I love you; but you're bringing me down"

I put off recounting this day, because it was just blek. Right.

So as you'll recall, I largely ignored the bright lights of the big city and hung out in the desert a bit. However, I spied Cheren hanging around in the desert and, knowing him as I do, I thought he would probably (a) Rope me into thwarting Team Plasma or into getting a Skitty down from a tree, (b) Ponder with the nature of Pokemon battling and finally (c) would battle me. As such, I crept around the edges in some deep sand, catching Pokemon and battling until my squad was this ( I think):



Finally I went back into Castelia City for a gym battle. I didn't know where it was, there are too many sodding doors in this place. I ended up battling an office full of workers until finally discovering that the place was run by a wiley old janitor - or rather, the CEO liked to dress like a janitor. What is he, Princess Jasmine? Seriously. And what, were these guys all on a half day or something? I don't understand why it's ok for Office Worker Tiffany to say to me "Sure, I've got a little time to battle", when it's only midday. Hasn't she got paperwork to do? What kind of business is this, why didn't anyone say, "Yeah, sure, the CEO is right through there. Hm? Yes, that's right, he's the one with the mop". Anyway, it was all good experience. Also, in retrospect, it was called the "Battle Company"...so maybe I should have expected it. But honestly, their turnover in a recession must have been really low.

I finally found the gym at the other end of the city. The gym leader here was a fruit named Burgh who I had encountered a while back in Nacrene City. He was a total berk, who always seemed to turn up when all the action was over. He looked like Mika and minced around more than I liked for a Pokemon game.

OH, WHAT A BLOODY SHOCKER! I'm just about to walk into the gym when that berk Cheren bursts out of the door, blathering on about some sort of plot or event or...I dunno...I thought that he was in the desert for gods sake!...maybe I'm confused...anyway, that tit-head Burgh followed him out of the gym. Cue me chasing around the bloody place trying to find Burgh. This was pretty annoying, since I feel that he had a certain obligation to be at the gym. I wasn't surprised to find Burgh playing around down at the docks, but I was surprised to see him talking to a couple of girls. Bianca was there being an idiot and so was some chick called Iris - it has taken Pokemon ten years to have any kind of ethnic character whatsoever - welcome to the party Iris.

So, basically a Team Plasma grunt suddenly turns up, we're getting Bianca's Pokemon back because she idiotically had them stolen aaand, Burgh chases the guy to a building opposite his own gym (nice one Sherlock) and we all have a nice big fight, which is easily won and I'm there tapping my foot wondering why I cam back to this city and wondering when we can commence on a gym battle.



FINALLY. Everything settles down and I finally get into the gym. The walls in Burgh's gym were mysteriously covered in a sticky goo. It turned out to be honey and so slowly and with very little mental difficulty (remember how cunning old Lt. Surge was?) I broke through the various honey molds and gates that were on show as supposed obstacles. With both a fire and rock type in my squad, I made short work of the Castelia gym cronies.

Burgh dresses like a street entertainer, so I really wanted to beat him at Pokemon. As I said, my squad is rather well equipped to deal with his squad and I made short work of him (for those interested he has a Whirlipede, a Dwebble and a Leavanny). At last; I got...THE INSECT BADGE!

(PI-PIKACHU! This is a sort of 'Ash-wins-a-badge' tribute by the way)

Whoopy doo. Still, I needed it for the Pokemon League. I awkwardly accepted a TM from Burgh, called Struggle Bug, which he seemed to love but which I knew couldn't have sucked more beans unless it was a TM specifically called Suck Beans. As such, I quietly tossed it into a nearby trash can as I left. I was looking forward to leaving this god forsaken berg.

The Mysterious Pokemon Letter

I received a mysterious letter recently. I do a regular radio show every Wednesday and I was at the studio when I noticed a letter had been slipped under the door with my name on it. It said:

"This is your WWAD band, you can use this in times of need to give you guidance. Just think, 'What Would Ash Do?' I recall very little from the Pokemon I have seen, so this may not actually be helpful, but it might make you smile"



And indeed, it did. Here is said band:



I think it's fair to say that currently, Ash Ketchum has had a greater impact on my life than Jesus has, given the exposure I have had to Pokemon over the Christian church. But now that I am wearing a gold wristband that genuienly does make me feel better, I wonder, what WOULD Ash do when confronted with more domestic problems than how to beat a duel Ground/Water type with only a Fire type for company (solution; if possible, teach it Grass Knot).

Problem: You are are rejected by a girl.
WWAD?: Always refusing to lose, Ash would demand a second chance at going out with said lady. If he failed in this, he would take stock and receive an important life lesson from a close mentor, confident that next time he would triumph.

Problem: You are invited to speak at the funeral of a person you can't remember.
WWAD?: Ash trusts in the heart of his Pokemon, at all times. Similarly, he would trust that despite his having no recollection of the departed, that the name would come to him. Ash is used to speaking in an aspirational way about winning and so he would talk about death in terms of it being in direct competition with life, to which there would be a standing ovation - the memory of that person will live on in our hearts, whoever they were.

Problem: You have caught an STD.
WWAD?: Pokemon centres only treat Pokemon. Ash would rely on his uncanny luck to stummble upon a wise woman, who would have a good knowledge of natural herbs and medicines. Ash therefore would remain in her care, whilst he sent two of his best chums off to look for a particularly hard-to-find ingredient to clear up that herpes. In short, where STDs are concerned, it's time to take a back seat and to rely on your luck and your friends.

Problem: You've just been robbed.
WWAD?: Ash would get all fired up, he would locate the criminal and commence on a mad pursuit of the subject on a bike/skateboard, whilst all the time looking for the most reckless and daring way in which to finally make the capture. Alternatively, Ash would set an eccentric trap which required him and Pikachu to dress up like an animal or a clown or something. Either way, once the criminal was caught, Ash would show leniance. After hearing the criminal's sob story about a starving family and crippling debts, he would probably build the family a new house and wave the criminal off as he departed. In short, the chase and capture are key - the punishment is non-existent.

I hope that examing What Would Ash Do? has helped you in your own life.

The Entralink Makes Splash Look Like Hyper-Beam

A big deal has been made of the wonderous Entralink. Since I first began my journey, all I've heard from specialist Professors is: "With this invention we can see the dreams of Pokemon" and "Have you seen the fabulous Entralink?". Trainers too, all throughout my journey in the Unova Region: "Have you seen the huge area they have in the middle of Unova? It's called the Entralink!" or "I've heard that you can visit other people's worlds through something called Entralink..."

Don't play coy with me tubby, I see right through you, I know, that you know, what the Entralink does. I on the other hand, don't know exactly and it was a long time into my journey that I realised I could pretty much go there any time...or maybe it was only open to me once I had beaten the Elite Four or something, I don't know.

Anyway, it was with much trepidation and excitement that I accessed; The Entralink! Now, there was some confusion here for me, straight off the bat. I couldn't work out if the Entralink waaas, a computer programme, a city, a place, a game mode, a method of communication, or what - it was all incredibly vague and I hope that my fellow trainers aren't currently asking why I didn't open up the manual. No self respecting trainer needs the manual.

So, I think I must have "accessed" the Entralink, but I might also have walked or got into a state of zen, I'm not sure, but apparently "CHAZ warped to the Entralink".



And what I do know is that through the C-Gear and some blurry, wobbly screen action akin to a character flash-back, I suddenly appeared in a grassy clearing. An old man had this to say on my situation:

"First, cross a bridge in the Entralink, and go to someone's world. There must be someone who is waiting for you there".

He refused to offer me any other help beyond that and I couldn't help but feel that it was pretty presumptuous to say that '...someone must' be waiting for me there; I mean what if they weren't? I found the bridge just across the way and a sort of hand-maiden shed yet more light on where I was and what I was supposed to be doing here:

"This bridge will connect to someone else's world".

So, I guessed that it must be a bridge to Twitter, or an MTV documentary series, or something. I thought, screw it, let's go and stepped, onto, the bridge!

I tried to cross into a wall of light and was told that I wasn't connected to any other worlds yet. So, for my money, there was already a lot of falsed advertising going on amongst not only the residents of this weird pastoral Entralink neighbourhood, but also throughout the supersticious residents of Unova.

There was another bridge on the other side of the grassy area that proved just as fruitless.

Slightly above where I arrived there was a forest.
"The Entree Forest..." said the handmaiden on the door "...connects dreams and reality. People say dreams come true here". I started rubbing my hands together, expecting to find on the other side of this forest:

(a) Glastonbury
(b) An opium den
(c) My own hareem
(d) All of the above

I went inside and there was absolutely tit all in there. Nadda, nothing. Not a dicky bird. All this bollocks about Pokemon dreams and there was a weird series of forest doors that led back to one another, like some sort of Shakesperian farce, only with none of the sex.

Once I finally found my way out I went to the bottom part of the Entralink area and found what was, in fairness, it's most redeeming factor; the exit teleport.

Now, looking at the map suggests to me that a HUGE area has been surrendered to this project by whoever runs the Unova Region. For my money, that was a huge error. This could have been used for another couple of cities, a couple more gyms, maybe some bloody challenges left over for exploration once I've found the Seven Sages and completed the main game? I mean geez. What a big waste of time. The whole thing was symptomatic of Pokemon Black & White's over-complicated add-ons, extras and gadgetry. If you're going to do something this overly elaborate, do it properly instead of offering so little reward, eh?

Truly, the Entralink makes splash look like hyper-beam.

Winter Time in the Unova Region!

Brrrr - Winter time in the Unova Region! Seasons change once a month in Pokemon Black & White and if you thought that women (hoo,HOO!) acted up, you haven't seen nothing, until you've experienced one of Unova's monthly seasonal changes!

Except you have, because the changes to the landscape are milder than an untouched bide attack. Such is the lack of imagination amongst us all that we have all been subject to someone saying "doesn't everything look different in the snow?", when it snows. In the Unova region, they must have a similar expression, that goes "doesn't everything have a slightly blue tinge in the snow?". It had been reported that during seasonal changes I would be able to explore previously impossible to reach areas through newly fallen mounds of snow - YES - those Ethers and Max Potions are mine!

Once I had explored all two of these newly reachable areas, I found that the only true difference between Autumn & Winter was a satisfying crunch as I ran around and a change in that deery Pokemon...I caught one of those and called it BabySham, because I am a genius:





It's a drink that looks like a Pokemon!

Winter has been nice. It gives greater depth and reality to the Pokemon universe as a whole. Ultimately however, it has very little function, but was marketed as a feature. By the same token, Pokemon Black & White might as well have advertised a menu system with arrows and a character with an all new hat!! My point being, more work could have gone into Wintering up the place.



I was going to suggest some new features that would have made a difference, but instead here is how just the Winter months could be improved in Pokemon:

-Tabogoning...erm...yeah
-Running through snowmen...and sort of...smashing them down
-Snowballs and they could...um
-Wearing a coat?

IN CONCLUSION, they actually did a pretty good job with Winter and I see very few ways to improve upon it...but...

In the next Pokemon, I want the chance to customise my character a little more. Like...not wearing a cap...wearing a dark blue coat and having gigantic hair...but in the game. Anyway, I've got to go, the snows coming down again and its a nightmare to get up the hill with my bike. And in this weather, I can't exactly fly around on a Pokemon.

REVISED OPINION: Winter is an entirely unnecessary addition to the game. I feel as if the seasonal changes were purely introduced for the benefit of one Pokemon whose appearance changes seasonally. There are no siginificant areas or events that occur as a result of winter or any of the other weather types.

I mean, why not try:

-Having some Pokemon migrate across certain areas in accordance with the time of 'year'.
-Having a big lake that could be crossed on foot in winter and surfed across in summer. Good place for recurring battles with trainers, either swimming around or ice-skating.
-Having moves work differently depending on the weather. Despite it snowing sometimes, I didn't ever have a battle where it claimed to be 'hailing', which is silly.

Anyway, I have things to do.

Pikachu Wizard

I don't really remember drawing this. Going by the notepad it's in, I guess I did this in 2005 or something. For some reason I guess I thought "Hey...hey wait a minute...there is no way, that Pikachu would wear a wizards hat...so don't even think about it" - and then, just to hammer that point home, I drew picture of him - as Mr. T apparently.

Trainer Chaz Sprite

A friend of mine got a friend of his to put together a spritey Pokemon image type thing. They asked me for my three favourite Pokemon. That was a tough question and I'm sure I could have a different answer everyday. However, today, I went with Bulbasaur, Slaking & Crobat.

Bulbasaur was the first Pokemon I ever had (from the original Pokemon Red!) and I always liked it, including in the cartoon series. Slaking is one of my favourite Pokemon in my extended squad and hails from the first file I had on Pokemon Sapphire. It is named St. Hubbins. St. Hubbins has won many battles, even though it is ridiculous. Crobat is from my copy of Pokemon Heart Gold and was specially bred so that it learnt hypnosis. It is called Cindy, which is a terrible name, but I like it because to train up a Zubat from level one is mental and therefore brilliant.

Oh; and here's the finished article. An image of Cheren was used, which seems pretty appropriate I think, considering the cast of characters available.

My Academic Proposal for a Real Pokemon League

This blog entry is still due some more pictures, colouring in, etc, and just some things to brighten up the place and expel some of the intense intellectual discussion that is going on here.

I recall a discussion I had with an associate trainer of mine when I was twelve. We were such fans of Pokemon that we began to discuss how it might be possible for it to become quite real. A world in which twelve year olds could leave home and gain their independence through rearing wild animals appealed to us greatly and it certainly beat the only other gritty option, which was to murder your parents and join the circus.

Now at twenty-two and with several rejection letters from a number of major circus tours, I once more turn my attention to this question: "Could an actual Pokemon league truly exist in modern Britain and indeed, the modern day EARTH?"

First off, I'm not counting these tournaments run by Nintendo and The Pokemon Company. Good as they are (first prize in this country is an all expenses paid trip to Haiwaii for the global tournament) this all feels too world cup like, too laden with rules about what version of Pokemon you're using and too inpractical; temporary.
I guess what I'm saying is, minus the morons and disgusting excess of cash, I want to form the Premiership of Pokemon. A domestic league that plays almost exactly like the the Pokemon League that Ash participates in, in the cartoon series.



It's not such a crazy idea. Here, let me help you out. Since journeying around the country is needed, participants cannot be twelve, they must be older (or maybe accompanied by a parent? But what parent would go to Birmingham for Pokemon?).
So, participants would have to be sixteen, straight off the bat. Secondly, I personally would put a ban on legendary Pokemon. They're stupid, better than the rest, everyone can catch them in the game and it's just unfair. No Legendaries.
So, we'd need gym leaders. Ok that's easy enough. I officially declare myself, Gym Leader of Maidstone for the British Pokemon League.

Yikes. Then I'll need the following:

-A running theme to my Pokemon.
-A number of original badges of my own design (ensuring that they cannot be copied)
-A place to call a Gym.

Let's say I'm a normal-type gym leader. I can make badges out of anything, as long as I can keep producing them. A gym? Well, in truth, since Pokemon are, I truly regret to say, not real in the flesh, a gym is not necessary. But, perhaps some eccentric hat or garb would be appropriate when performing your gym leader duties. When you're done, you should end up with something that looks like this:


(This still needs some colouring in - I don't own the right shade of brown. OH WHAT, SORRY, SO SUE ME)

Here's how it all works; Joe Blogs buys Pokemon White - BOY, is he excited! He completes the game (or whatever, gets half way through). At this point he's wondering why he can't go online with his DS no matter where he is and how much he would like to battle some human trainers instead of the mediocre challenge of the game's trainers.
He finds The Official British Pokemon League online. He orders his Trainer Card/Liscence (which will cost like, £1 I guess). Online, there is also a profile of all eight Gym Leaders in The Official British Pokemon League, along with their [pokemon] contact details (an email), their location (say, Maidstone) and the name of their badge.

Joe Blogs gets in touch with these Gym Leaders one by one. He meets them in coffee shops, bus stations or somewhere out of the way where he won't get beaten up for playing Pokemon. When he wins, he gets a gym badge and the Gym Leader signs his Trainer Card.

When he has all eight badges & signatures, he can fight the Elite Four in the same manner. If he beats the Champion, he is officially the new champion and gets the one existing Champion Pin when he wins. Next time a new trainer wants to fight the Champion, they come to him.

Boom. Pokemon League. Now, it might seem like a long process, with a lot of travelling all over the land. Yeah, hi, IT'S CALLED A POKEMON JOURNEY ok? Think of the experiences you're gonna have and the time spent playing Pokemon on the train. Excellent.

In terms of trainers fighting trainers on their journey, there will be an optional and generic trainer...um...also badge? To be worn when a trainer has their DS with them and they are happy to battle someone - so if you're playign Pokemon and see someone with a "!" Pokemon Trainer Badge, then you can ask them for a battle! Primo.

So there you go. There'll be problems to iron out at first sure. But I think we could have this down by 2013, no trouble. Plus, it beats the idea I had when I was twelve. When I was twelve, the idea I proposed to my friend was that in the future we can have all the floors, everywhere, across the world, outside and in, layered with a metal computer system that generated hollograms - hollograms of Pokemon. And that we would have Pokeballs that could interact with and save these Pokemon, either beaming out our own or capturing the other. That one might not be ready for 2013. 2050, maybe.

In the meantime, I'm taking applications from would be Gym Leaders. You just need your own city, theme and badge name/desgin.

Day 4 in the Unova Region - Bridges Apart

Leaving behind that stupid old town I went in pursuit of Team Plasma in a nearby forest, but not before catching some stupid looking Pokemon. I turned down catching a Tympole, although I would be back here some days later to catch one. FUTURE SIGHT.

Anyway, these woods were populated by some pretty silly Pokemon and as well as battling members of Team Plasma I took this chance to train up ma Poke-mons in the wild. On I went and eventually I came upon the guy who had taken the Dragonite skull. I cut him down to size and he'll no doubt think twice before jerking around with skull stealers again, boy howdy he will.

I also had to deal with a drag queen called Ghetis who I had met once before. Whenever I see him he always comes right up to me and gets all in my grill. He has no concept of personal space and I find him creepy. He's a bit of a nut-job, so I ignored him and made for the forest exit.

This lead me to a bridge. A big, fuck-off, 3D bridge!! It took, FOREVER to cross. I mean, once the DS has shown off it's ability to construct a 3D, curly bridge and I've been on it for 3 minutes, that's enough. And their idea of bustling traffic going underneath the bridge consists of one, green topped truck that seems to be the only vehicle in the entirety of the Unova region. Anyway, there were no bikers hanging around to battle, as would be in-keeping with most Pokemon bridges. I got across eventually, with my running shoes worn thin and descended into Castelia City.

This was all too overwhelming for me. Honestly, by Pokemon standards, it was too big, there were too many people to talk to, so I went and skulked around a Pokemon Centre for an hour. I wanted nothing to do with it.

When I came out, I just went up an alley way, ignored everyone and went into the desert. Here I finally found two, brilliant looking Pokemon that I was determined to catch. They were, BOOM:

Darumaka (who I called Hugo)



See, this guy is great, because right, he's a fire Pokemon, which I needed, and also, it's sort of in the shape of an egg. So you can't say fairer than that really. I like how in Pokemon Black & White the Pokemon all have this sort of gif. like movement AND as a side-note here, they also close their eyes if they are put to sleep......I sound like a child with a doll.

The next great Pokemon I caught was, BOOM:

Scraggy (which I called Chuckles)



First of all, my nicknames are great. Second of all, Scraggy is great, because it keeps trying to pull its trousers up, right, but it can't. I just like Pokemon who look the right side of ridiculous, which these two do.
I was expecting a ground type or something here, but Scraggy is extremely useful as a Fighting & Dark type. Well worth catching also, because later when you fight the "Elite" Four, you will find that a Fighting/Dark type will pretty much win against everyone on its own.

So now I had five Pokemon (which is plenty to be getting on with). Eventually I wandered back into Castelia City. But I didn't want to.

Gone Fishing

In the Pokemon Universe, people don't necassarily choose a career. Indeed, few people seem to actually work and the place exists like some sort of communist bohemia. However, that is not to say that life is without it's choices for the people of Unova.

Everybody but everybody has to make a choice in Pokemon and that choice is, 'What Stereotype or Category of Person Will You Be'? For example, if you like camping and your name is Terry, you will now be defined as 'Camper Terry'. If you like a good walk and you're named Winston, chances are that you will be generally known as 'Hiker Winston'...and of course if you like fishing and you happen to be called Brian, you sir, will widely be regarded as, 'Fisherman Brian'.



(An interesting side note is that outdoor activites rarely seem to have female Pokemon trainers - apparently all the hiker girls are concentrating on hiking, not Pokemon)

The point of this article is not, though, the fact that everyone gets defined by their favourite past-time. My actual issue is quite apart from this and a lot more specific to one guy.

In every single version of Pokemon that there has ever been, there has always been one fisherman that stands out against the army of other fisherman. This guy has a strong and stubborn philosophy when it comes to Pokemon - and that philosophy is, an entire team of Magikarp, and only Magikarp.

At what point was he sitting there fishing when he thought to himself "Boy I love my Magikarp. I wish I...no, I couldn't possibly...would society allow it? Would society allow me to train an entire squad of just Magikarp? Even at level 60, I could stop them from ever evolving. I'd be WORLD-RENOWNED"

What happens though, is that a young, shot-gun trainer, like Trainer Chaz for example, comes walking along, thinks "Oh, some experience for my grass pokemon versus adversaries like Seaking, Finneon aaand...um...Tentacool!" - but no, what I have to do is trawl through a never-ending team of level 60 Magikarp, who reward me less experience than wild Pokemon! And there is ONE of these guys in EVERY single version of the game. And I suppose what I want is for him to seriously question why he has become a pokemon trainer and not just dumbly say to me afterwards "I have no idea why I only catch Magikarp!" - ITS BECAUSE YOU'RE USING AN OLD ROD STUPID.



p.s. and while we're at it, fuck those Bug Catchers who turn up with a squad full of Metapods. I haven't got time for your tomfoolery, go back to Viridian Forest ya jerk-offs.

Day 3 in the Unova Region - A Town Full of Smug

I finally got out of that dang town and set off towards Route 3. Found a day care centre, which was pretty useless to me at this stage in my adventure and a play ground with a slide. Given Pokemon Black & White's constant need to show off it's graphic capabilities, I was surprised that my character strolled down the slippery side of the slide as if it were a bit of a gentle hill - I expected to see my character whip down it or something. I didn't particularly care though, so on I went.



Just as I tried to turn down Route 3, those bestest friends of mine, Cheren and Bianca turn up, bleeting on about some kid and some thieves and so on. Bianca, who has been designed as just a bit too much of a weiner for my taste, stays with this kid who has had their pokemon stolen and Cheren and I are supposed to pursue Team Plasma to Wellspring Cave. Now, I'd already been over there a few minutes ago and caught my first and my second Pokemon, a Roggenrola and a Woobat. Roggenrola, because knowing Pokemon, something so poo and small will become good. Woobat, because it looks just the right shade of ridiculous. Funny, but not desperate. Anyway, I didn't much fancy heading back that way, but however many times I tried to go the way I wanted, Bianca must have summoned some sort of super-human strength or shown me her bazongas or something because try as I might, I was not allowed to go the way I wanted. So I had to go and help Cheren.

While there seemed room for a double-battle here, the game instead opted to make me fight slowly through these two Team Plasma goons, along with Cheren who I don't think did much.
I wonder why it is that Team Plasma, an organisation who must be spread across Unova, find it only ever worth catching crappy old Patrats, who are essentially jumped up Rattatas who automatically learn Bide. I want a challenge, why doesn't Team Plasma try and seduce trainers like me? There's no point in them using Bide when I can knock them out in one or two moves. Idiots.

Anyway, it was easy and a waste of time. We got the Pokemon back, gave it to the kid and was I on my way. I wandered around Route 3 for a long time, training up my new Pokemon, Greta and Bongo. Good names. I didn't catch a Blitzle, because I knew that literally everyone else would catch one. And I decided that I really hated Purrloin.



Eventually I got to Nacrene City. For some reason, everyone kept trying to sell me furniture I didn't need and it was full of back-packers and coffee shops. It was like Glastonbury, crossed with Pottery Barn...situated in Belgium. So, basically, it was awful. I went off to fight the gym leader, who was an embarassment and who used normal type Pokemon. Tougher than the firts gym obviously, but come on. Once again, I was left wondering how by this standard, Brock & Misty weren't in the Elite Four, given how tough they were in Red & Blue.

Anyway, when I came out some Team Plasma bastards stole a Dragonite skull. Guess who had to do something about it? Honestly, it was like dealing with the Hamburgler every two bloody minutes. "Oh, Chaz, could I ask you to go after them?" - what? No? It's not my bloody museum! Oh, and you want me to take the rubbish out and make the beds first I guess? No, sod off.



Anyway, I went and pursued them through some forest, but not before saving the game in the Pokemon Centre.

Pokemon Design Errors

Here are a group of early Pokemon who I just had no desire to catch whatsoever because they were just terrible. I know it must be hard by this version, but some of the designs that follow are either lazy or misguided. They're just rubbish. Come on guys, pick up the pace. Pokemon like Scrafty (as well as Scraggy) look damn rad:



Whereas the following image documents some of the worst ideas and designs for Pokemon Black & White. I feel a little guilty, because I do of course love all Pokemon equally with all my heart, BUT COME ON, he has a little karate uniform, GET IT TOGETHER GUYS:

Livin' Fast in Black City

What the hell? What's the deal? You can't fight me, I'm in a city, this is a residential area, not the unrealisitc backwater countryside of every Pokemon region the world over! We never used to battle like this back in Pallet Town.

I just wandered into Black City like a lost cowboy, a berg so badly named that it ought to be populated only with film-noir detectives and sci-fi gun-slingers; the kind who keep to themself.
Indeed it would be a miracle if people would keep to themselves here in Black City. Every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to battle me! I wasn't expecting this because previous to now, that wasn't allowed. I always presumed that no battling happened in towns because of the damage it caused! Isn't that what the Pokemon gyms are for? The first three people I spoke to insisted on battling me upon my arrival and every time I thought the previous one had been a one off fluke - but apparently it's a thing, it's a fad. When I finally dragged my Gigalith back to the Pokemon Centre I half expected Nurse Joy to throw herself across the counter and unleash a furious Chansey on my ass (which no one likes to see happen).

Anyway, it's not right. People could have been hurt. I don't get Black City. It's too big. The camera is zoomed out. What's its game, what's its angle? I wonder if the people who own Pokemon White are having more fun than me in that bloody gigantic forest...sigh...I bet it's wonderful there! Much better than this sterile, nightmare that has all the personality of an iPad.


I couldn't accurately put this on a background of Black City, clearly...but the message is clear. I'm vain, so the original is below.

Highbrow Hiker

Some Hiker over on Route 15 just spoke latin to me before launching into a battle. I remember when they used to go "GUFAW GUFAW" or explain how 'echoes' worked...before inexplicably launching into battle with a low level Geodude; what gives? Somewhere along the line, these guys got taught some shit. The Unova School of Hiker-Reform perhaps?



Next up, can we get Youngster Joey to shut the fuck up about shorts? I hope not, I love that guy. But he might tell me about them in Spanish.

The Trainer Campaign for Brighter Caves

I think I speak for trainers everywhere when I say that modern caves are too dark. Darkness in itself is not such a bad thing, but given the level of gadgetry that a trainer can enjoy in the Unova region, from the ridiculously unnecessary C-Gear to the important necessity of running shoes, how is it that no one has ever thought to give me a torch for those pitch black caves.

I recently revisted Wellspring Cave, where I had caught my second Pokemon some time previously. Employing the useful HM03, Surf, I was able to further explore what this cave had to offer. I've always been happy for a squad member to have Surf as one its moves. At 95 damage and 100% accuracy, it is in many ways a better water move than Hydro Pump. Not only that, it of course allows you to surf across water.

My expedition into the depths of Wellspring Cave lead me down some stairs and regrettably into darkness. Now, despite an odd spotlight following my immediate person around, I couldn't see very much in this cave. Luckily I own Flash, an HM move so terrible that it became TM70. However, a stranger handing over TM70 free of charge, hardly makes up for the fact that no one has ever thought to give me a torch. That is because, the advantage of a torch would be that I would not have to use one of my Pokemon's precious move slots with a TM that does so little, yet, which is so essential to my navigating my way around. Surf is essential to the game and doesn't severly handicap your Pokemon if you teach it to them. You teach a Pokemon Flash...you might as well tie it to a tree and call in the Hydreigon to start chowing down, because it's a sitting duck. Especially if it's a Ducklett, although I'm not sure it can learn flash.

My point is, this could all be avoided if the authorities (whoever they might be, for all intents and purposes the Unova region seems a place of anarchy ruled over by vigilanty law and terrorist groups) - ahem, but if the authorities would just invest in some lighting around popular cave locations, then perhaps I wouldn't find myself lost, walking in circles, running low on max repel and with only a vague spotlight surrounding my body to keep me company...because I am NOT wasting my time teaching any of my squad Flash; it's just not happening.

Day Two in the Unova Region - Strife in Striaton City

So I rocked up to ol' Striaton City where I was greeted by mess. Not trash, no, there is no rubbish whatsoever in the Unova region, which makes one wonder how Pokemon like Trubbish thrive in long grass when the Pokedex clearly states that "They prefer unsanitary places" and that "The combination of garbage bags and industrial waste caused the chemical reaction that created this Pokémon"...I'm not entirely sure where that must have come from in this faux-futuristic ecoverse.

These trivialities aside, I entered Striaton City with a little excitement, because as I understood it, here lay the first gym...THE FIRST-GYM. What type will it be? Something mad? Something controversial? We haven't had a psychic gym in a while, wouldn't that be exotic? And it would match some of the local Pokemon.

The local Pokemon. Found at the Dreamworks. Alright, let me explain what happened here for just a second - as soon as I turn up to this place, some stoopid Professor or assistant starts yammering on about an invention. Now, whilst Professor Oak invented the Pokedex, which is pretty useful and Professor Elm studied Pokemon eggs...this Professor had constructed some sort of giant bed, with absolutely no useful function. Whatsoever. Even later in the game, I can't think why I would want to see Pokemon dreams - yet I am tasked with retrieving some bollocks to make it work from some Team Plasma member. Was it a pokemon or piece of machinery? I forget. Anyway, I'm like, "Sister, I'm just here to win badges, I don't want to get involved with fighting a terrorist organisation" - but apparently I have no choice, so I trudge off to some dump called The Dreamworks.

Naturally I assumed that The Dreamworks would be something of a wonderland, full of colour and odd jiggery pokery - a bit like Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory. Anyway, it was a dump. I think I saw some cans, it had some cans. Bianca turned up and started whining and being useless and I was forced to fight some awful Team Plasma member who was something, something - I really just wanted to get out of there because it was the middle of the night.

Whilst there, some person offered to give me a Pokemon though, FOR FREE! I was like "AAW, TITS! FREE POKEMON!" But it was Panpour. Panpour looks like this:


I actually feel a little mean now. I'd better go back and train Dilly up again, just out of decency for the poor little guy...he does look silly though.

Since it was only Pendragon and I at this point and with no sign of even an old rod, a water pokemon was just the ticket. But I just couldn't bring myself to keep the thing in my squad, it didn't even look funny silly (as I would later discover Woobat did) it just looked stoopid and I'm a shallow kind of guy and I didn't need Panpour, who I named Dilly, cramping the style of my squad...which admittedly, contained one other Pokemon. So I crammed him into a box and after dealing with that boring Professor, went on over to the FIRST, POKEMON, GYM. At this point, someone told me that I was in a restaurant and would I like some fresh water before fighting the gym leaders - hummana-waa!?

These guys sucked beans. There were basically three brothers who each had one of these ridiculous monkey pokemon each. Their gym had the audacity to explain to me in the simplest terms that fire beats grass, grass beats water and water beats fire and that rock beats scissors. They tested me on them, before challenging me to fight only one of them! Why not just have one of you with three Pokemon for me to beat!? Instead, they shoved forward the fire-pokemon brother, since they knew that was my starter Pokemon's weakenss. I found this an exceedingly easy battle, because Pendragon was alreayd boasting some strength at Level 15 anyway. I took my badge and bid Striaton City an overdue smell ya later. I hate to be impatient with Pokemon, but the while place was a big waste of time and I wanted out of there before some other moron roped me into a meaningless chore.

ELITE Four?

[I wrote this at the beginning of the month but hadn't posted it yet so that you could gradually enjoy my days in the Unova region building up to it; however, my patience has worn thin and I haven't posted in a while, so here's a key Pokemon issue.]

What is going on? Back in my day, if you went waltzing up to the Elite Four as soon as you were physically able to, you would eventually get yo ass handed to you. You had to go away and train up your pokemon by some way before you could get all the way through and beat the Champion. Alright, I know Bruno was pretty awful...anyone who thinks they are a member of the Elite Four with two Onix in their squad, needs to take a good, long, look at themselves. In fairness though, he was a tougher cookie in Heart Gold.

My point is, surely the Elite Four of the Unova region are imposters? They were awful! By which I mean, easy as hell to beat. The same goes for every single gym leader, the most challenging of them perhaps being Clay, marginally. Perhaps if they had all spent less time on their impressive, automated bloody gyms and rooms and more time training their Pokemon to something beyond level 50, like the Elite Four of old used to do, then I'd have been marginally challenged. The Elite Four didn't knock out one of my Pokemon. Geez.

Do you remember how difficult it used to be and how much thought you had to put into things? Getting the Boulder Badge from Brock in Pokemon Red&Blue was miles harder than any of the big battles in Pokemon Black&White. Try beating a Geodude AND an Onix with only a Pidgey and a Charmander and you'll know what I'm talking about Willis. Consider the reverse fixture in Pokemon Black&White - the first gym leader, or leaders, are more concerned with teaching you that fire beats grass and dressing up like waiters than actually beating you at a pokemon contest. Oh, sorry guys, I beat you VERY easily, now get me a coffee.



Even my rivals and friends were terrible! I soon realised that all this talk from N and Ghetis about taking over the world was somewhat premature, considering the best Ghetis could muster was a level fifty Bouffalant and a level fifty-three Bisharp, which is one of the stupidest looking Pokemon to date, unless you like the Power Rangers. And also if you don't, but Bisharp just happens to look like the Red Ranger.

So in conclusion, as I sit here now as the Champion, I put it to the world that the Unova region is a child's playground. While moving bridges, online cities and rustling grass are all well and good, the Unova region might do better to bring in some competent Pokemon trainers, that could at least once send me scurrying to the Pokemon Centre. I dread to think what will happen when I migrate my Infernape, Octillery and Slaking over - HELL. THAT'S WHAT WILL HAPPEN, ALL HELL, BROKEN LOOSE, ARGH.

Cheren Used Helping Hand

So, what I have repeatedly experienced since arriving in the Unova region, is that a lot of people want to keep holding my hand, through everything. My life is full of stop starts, it's not enough to get my first Pokemon, I have to learn that fire beats grass, I have to learn how to throw a pokeball, I have to learn how to equip the running shoes, I even have to bloody find out that...get this...WILD POKEMON LIVE IN LONG GRASS.

After asking me my name and, more puzzlingly, my gender, if Professor Juniper had then asked me "By the way, do you have any previous experience as a Pokemon trainer?", to which I'd have answered yes and we could have skipped all the prep work I had to go through. Instead, the Professor went on to introduce me to my two best friends of the last ten years - nice to meet you.

The best, or rather worst, example of the constant hand holding in Pokemon Black & White comes in the shape of Cheren:



Not only does Cheren keep asking all the right questions about battling, correct use of potions and so on, but he also acts as this infuriating plot device. It's always "Hey Chaz, let's go help this girl recover her stolen Pokemon" or "Hey Chaz, help me battle Team Plasma" - no Cheren, no, this is your mess and I'll be damned if I'm getting you out of it this time. I set off to be a Pokemon Master, not a...stupid...master.

Throw in Cheren's constant philosophical musings over what it means to be a Pokemon trainer, I think my first move as a trainer in the Unova region would be to duck out quickly and take the next S.S.Anne out of here back over to the Hoenn region where it's safe. No one wrestles with their own thoughts over there, back East - back there, they've all been playing Pokemon for much, much longer than the people here and they don't need to been pushed along one square at a time.

Day One in the Unova Region

So I woke up and had my sexuality questioned by some old spinster named Professor Juniper. She had the cheek to ask me if I was a boy or a girl - I'd always thought it was pretty obvious, but I think maybe that's part and parcel of being a Professor of Pokemon is that you don't see genders too well. It was also thoughtful of the Professor to introduce me to a boy and a girl from my town, who were my age and apparently who needed introducing despite their being my best friends for the last ten years.

Today I started my pokemon adventure and my idiotic friends came over to choose a pokemon with me. They were in a gigantic birthday present and I after twenty minutes sitting in front of my DS, I chose the starter I said would be my last choice.

Boom:

So, off I waltz with this snooty looking grass type, that is, after I suffer the obligatory battle with my friends/rivals. I've never understood the "first battle", not even in Pokemon Red - how much can you learn about battling and pokemon with tackle and leer for gawd's sake? OH BOY, I THINK I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE! MY POKEMON HAS GROWL, THAT REALLY TURNED THE TIDE IN OUR FIRST MATCH. Honestly, just give me the mutha-fuckin' running shoes and I'll be on my way.

Cheren, who I sense will annoy me, challenged me to catch as many pokemon as possible in the four cubes of grass between my home town and the next one. I caught none.
Traditionally, you grow up around two types of Pokemon before you set off on your adventure, most frequently a flying type, and something domestic, with four legs. You soon learn to despise these two Pokemon and while nothing will ever be as annoying as bloody Zigzagoon, I hate this and this guy, so much:



And when they evolve they get even more annoying, because they are slightly tougher to get rid of.

By the time I've dealt with Cheren and Bianca's constant hold ups, discussing just how magical it is to be going off on an adventure and how lucky we are to be using Pokemon, about ten times over, each, I have very little time to listen to Team Plasma and even less to bother exploring the ridiculous town I'm in - and hour in, I just want something like a gym battle or a forest and it hasn't come yet. Admittedly a lot of that hour was spent coming up with the name "Pendragon" for Snivy, but COME ON. So off I go, embarking once more into another region of Pokemon - FULLY AWARE, thank you, how to catch Pokemon, how to battle Pokemon, how to heal Pokemon, where to buy things and how it's important to love and care for my pocket monsters...NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND LET ME HEARTLESSLY CALCULATE AN EFFECTIVE TEAM OF POKEMON.

Lemons Aren't Pokemon

None of these were helpful Sainsburys. Lemons aren't Pokemon, nor Pokemon, lemons, even if there are 779 results for them.

A Word From Professor Oak

I Hate Contests & Musicals

ERM, I believe the songs used to suggest that we were all trying to be a Pokemon Master...I'm tired of the TV Show always spending ten years on May & Dawns fucking contest "battles" instead of Ash and his bloody gym battles - they're the best bit! Geez. And now in Black & White I'm going to have deal with nightmarish, Glee-like competitions the whole time? WELL I'M NOT BLOODY INTERESTED - Pokemon are for manual labour, battling and pet duties. Not for singing and dancing like a bunch of fannies. Do we get horses and dogs to do that? No. Just because everyone has gotten stupid and starting loving singing and performance, which are the lowest forms of entertainment, it doesn't mean it has to creep into Pokemon. Populist nightmare. It's a videogame at it's heart and it should remain so.

Therefore, I just want battles in the Unova region. Thanks. Bye.

Cool Pokemon Arts #1

This is not by me and I did not make it. Kudos to the person who did though, it's great. It's T.M.0-RAD.

Starting Pokemon Democracy.

Statistically, as if you didn't know, Charizard is the best starting Pokemon to have (then Blastoise, then Venusaur) - it's the same elemental order for Johto Pokemon. HOWEVER, when we come to the Sinnoh region, the strongest choice is Swampert, the water/ground type, whilst Blaziken and Sceptile are ultimately equal. Statistically. But who doesn't go for a fire type? The order then returned to its original order in the Hoenn region; fire, water, grass. They're all very strong, but technically, that is the order it goes in.


Get out of there Pikachu...oh, right, Pokemon Yellow - I had that!

However in the upcoming Black & White version of Pokemon (released 4th March in UK, accounts of which can be found here after release) - all three of the starter pokemon are statistically equal choices. Therefore, the quality of your starting pokemon is entirely down to your choice and training methods, rather than it being pretty clear to see that Charizard is unfortunately stronger than Venusaur, or that Sceptile doesn't stand a chance against Blaziken.

The best part about this equality though, is that you can make your choice based entirely on what Pokemon you like the look of best, rather than having that niggling thought in the back of your mind, that even though you like Bulbasaur best, you know that you'll come out a better trainer if you choose one of the other two starters. Do you know what this means fellow trainers? IT'S STARTING POKEMON DEMOCRACY!

These posts will be much more interesting in the future. This is Trainer Chaz, blasting off again.

What's The Deal Ash?

I was just graced with the first cartoon episode of Pokemon Black & White.

It seems that Ash has gone back to being a know-nothing ten year old, even to the extent that he is more mystified than usual about who exactly Team Rocket are. And there's all this business about "pokemon we've never even seen before" - no, look, I've never seen a hippo before, but I know what one looks like and I know that...they're a...water type pokemon? Well, you know what I mean.

So, this episode opens with Ash putting on his hat, calling Pickachu along with him and going off...oh...on holiday, his Mother informs us. In fact her exact words are "Professor Oak is waiting for us downstairs". What's this Mrs. Ketchum, are you and Professor Oak going steady or something? Why are you going on holiday as family? I mean I know that you're the only two people living in Pallet Town but he's a little old isn't he? Or maybe he's not; Professor Oak always did have a sort of George Clooney agelessness about him.

And off we trot to the Unova region. This causes Ash some amnesia as he suddenly forgets everything that we have seen him learn since 1999. COME ON ASH, YOU KNOW THIS, GRASS BEATS FIRE - oh wait.

Also the voice actors are different. Also. I don't know; there's just something in Ash's eyes that says things have changed somewhat:



But of course, the audience has changed as well. The Pokemon Company are obviously gearing up an entirely new generation fans, who have no idea that they are going to see Team Rocket in every episode, or that Ash only learns from failure and must learn about the heart of a pokemon to truly something something. The new generation of soon-to-be fans were actually erm...born...when that first copy of Red & Blue rocked onto shelves...God that's depressing.

Here's what my friend Jack Slattery said on the matter. He is much more eloquent than me and his words are apt at this moment:

"The disincentive to create a deep, character-driven narrative in the pokemon anime is this weird phenomen that's occured in pokemon where little kids, for whatever reason, get into it, even though its not nearly as culturally pervasive as it was ten years ago when it came out. They write-off their older fanbase as people who are no longer interested in pokemon and thus no longer interested in the character arc of Ash, so they constantly rework him as some fresh-faced youngster instead of the accomplished trainer we first-generation fans want and expect him to be. its a serious quandry that makes me question my investment in pokemon, as clearly pokemon has no investment in me or others like me".

What they [that is, current consumers] miss out on is how huge Pokemon was to a generation. Probably in the same way Star Wars was to some people. Pokemon probably doesn't seem so bright and fascinating in a world dominated by Ben 10, Beyblade, Facebook, Youtube, Harry Potter, Twilight, Hannah Montanna, Glee...well, in a world dominated by horrifically invasive, noisy brands. Pokemon laid the road for all these modern brands. And if I took Star Wars now and remade it for this generation, past generations would be furious. Oh, they did that. Haha.

In the same way, every one of us 90s kids feels like Ash is a part of us. In fact, we are Ash. As such, when we find that he has suddenly degenerated back to his original settings, or even worse, into a warped, assumption of his old self, coupled with a companies distant idea of what youth culture is and needs today, it is only natural to feel a little betrayed and a little rejected by our beloved Pokemon. In an ideal world, we would have a twenty-something year old Ash, with a level 100 Pickachu - just like all of us. That's what we invested in all that time ago.

But I can't complain - all I ask is that the new crop of pokemon trainers, who might one day study this blog in a history class about old technology & culture, look after Pokemon carefully. And I warn them now that I take no prisoners and should they cross my path, I shan't hesitate in administering a harsh "!" towards them, before unleashing the fury of St. Hubbins the Slaking upon their newly acquired pocket monsters.