Winter Time in the Unova Region!

Brrrr - Winter time in the Unova Region! Seasons change once a month in Pokemon Black & White and if you thought that women (hoo,HOO!) acted up, you haven't seen nothing, until you've experienced one of Unova's monthly seasonal changes!

Except you have, because the changes to the landscape are milder than an untouched bide attack. Such is the lack of imagination amongst us all that we have all been subject to someone saying "doesn't everything look different in the snow?", when it snows. In the Unova region, they must have a similar expression, that goes "doesn't everything have a slightly blue tinge in the snow?". It had been reported that during seasonal changes I would be able to explore previously impossible to reach areas through newly fallen mounds of snow - YES - those Ethers and Max Potions are mine!

Once I had explored all two of these newly reachable areas, I found that the only true difference between Autumn & Winter was a satisfying crunch as I ran around and a change in that deery Pokemon...I caught one of those and called it BabySham, because I am a genius:





It's a drink that looks like a Pokemon!

Winter has been nice. It gives greater depth and reality to the Pokemon universe as a whole. Ultimately however, it has very little function, but was marketed as a feature. By the same token, Pokemon Black & White might as well have advertised a menu system with arrows and a character with an all new hat!! My point being, more work could have gone into Wintering up the place.



I was going to suggest some new features that would have made a difference, but instead here is how just the Winter months could be improved in Pokemon:

-Tabogoning...erm...yeah
-Running through snowmen...and sort of...smashing them down
-Snowballs and they could...um
-Wearing a coat?

IN CONCLUSION, they actually did a pretty good job with Winter and I see very few ways to improve upon it...but...

In the next Pokemon, I want the chance to customise my character a little more. Like...not wearing a cap...wearing a dark blue coat and having gigantic hair...but in the game. Anyway, I've got to go, the snows coming down again and its a nightmare to get up the hill with my bike. And in this weather, I can't exactly fly around on a Pokemon.

REVISED OPINION: Winter is an entirely unnecessary addition to the game. I feel as if the seasonal changes were purely introduced for the benefit of one Pokemon whose appearance changes seasonally. There are no siginificant areas or events that occur as a result of winter or any of the other weather types.

I mean, why not try:

-Having some Pokemon migrate across certain areas in accordance with the time of 'year'.
-Having a big lake that could be crossed on foot in winter and surfed across in summer. Good place for recurring battles with trainers, either swimming around or ice-skating.
-Having moves work differently depending on the weather. Despite it snowing sometimes, I didn't ever have a battle where it claimed to be 'hailing', which is silly.

Anyway, I have things to do.

Pikachu Wizard

I don't really remember drawing this. Going by the notepad it's in, I guess I did this in 2005 or something. For some reason I guess I thought "Hey...hey wait a minute...there is no way, that Pikachu would wear a wizards hat...so don't even think about it" - and then, just to hammer that point home, I drew picture of him - as Mr. T apparently.

Trainer Chaz Sprite

A friend of mine got a friend of his to put together a spritey Pokemon image type thing. They asked me for my three favourite Pokemon. That was a tough question and I'm sure I could have a different answer everyday. However, today, I went with Bulbasaur, Slaking & Crobat.

Bulbasaur was the first Pokemon I ever had (from the original Pokemon Red!) and I always liked it, including in the cartoon series. Slaking is one of my favourite Pokemon in my extended squad and hails from the first file I had on Pokemon Sapphire. It is named St. Hubbins. St. Hubbins has won many battles, even though it is ridiculous. Crobat is from my copy of Pokemon Heart Gold and was specially bred so that it learnt hypnosis. It is called Cindy, which is a terrible name, but I like it because to train up a Zubat from level one is mental and therefore brilliant.

Oh; and here's the finished article. An image of Cheren was used, which seems pretty appropriate I think, considering the cast of characters available.

My Academic Proposal for a Real Pokemon League

This blog entry is still due some more pictures, colouring in, etc, and just some things to brighten up the place and expel some of the intense intellectual discussion that is going on here.

I recall a discussion I had with an associate trainer of mine when I was twelve. We were such fans of Pokemon that we began to discuss how it might be possible for it to become quite real. A world in which twelve year olds could leave home and gain their independence through rearing wild animals appealed to us greatly and it certainly beat the only other gritty option, which was to murder your parents and join the circus.

Now at twenty-two and with several rejection letters from a number of major circus tours, I once more turn my attention to this question: "Could an actual Pokemon league truly exist in modern Britain and indeed, the modern day EARTH?"

First off, I'm not counting these tournaments run by Nintendo and The Pokemon Company. Good as they are (first prize in this country is an all expenses paid trip to Haiwaii for the global tournament) this all feels too world cup like, too laden with rules about what version of Pokemon you're using and too inpractical; temporary.
I guess what I'm saying is, minus the morons and disgusting excess of cash, I want to form the Premiership of Pokemon. A domestic league that plays almost exactly like the the Pokemon League that Ash participates in, in the cartoon series.



It's not such a crazy idea. Here, let me help you out. Since journeying around the country is needed, participants cannot be twelve, they must be older (or maybe accompanied by a parent? But what parent would go to Birmingham for Pokemon?).
So, participants would have to be sixteen, straight off the bat. Secondly, I personally would put a ban on legendary Pokemon. They're stupid, better than the rest, everyone can catch them in the game and it's just unfair. No Legendaries.
So, we'd need gym leaders. Ok that's easy enough. I officially declare myself, Gym Leader of Maidstone for the British Pokemon League.

Yikes. Then I'll need the following:

-A running theme to my Pokemon.
-A number of original badges of my own design (ensuring that they cannot be copied)
-A place to call a Gym.

Let's say I'm a normal-type gym leader. I can make badges out of anything, as long as I can keep producing them. A gym? Well, in truth, since Pokemon are, I truly regret to say, not real in the flesh, a gym is not necessary. But, perhaps some eccentric hat or garb would be appropriate when performing your gym leader duties. When you're done, you should end up with something that looks like this:


(This still needs some colouring in - I don't own the right shade of brown. OH WHAT, SORRY, SO SUE ME)

Here's how it all works; Joe Blogs buys Pokemon White - BOY, is he excited! He completes the game (or whatever, gets half way through). At this point he's wondering why he can't go online with his DS no matter where he is and how much he would like to battle some human trainers instead of the mediocre challenge of the game's trainers.
He finds The Official British Pokemon League online. He orders his Trainer Card/Liscence (which will cost like, £1 I guess). Online, there is also a profile of all eight Gym Leaders in The Official British Pokemon League, along with their [pokemon] contact details (an email), their location (say, Maidstone) and the name of their badge.

Joe Blogs gets in touch with these Gym Leaders one by one. He meets them in coffee shops, bus stations or somewhere out of the way where he won't get beaten up for playing Pokemon. When he wins, he gets a gym badge and the Gym Leader signs his Trainer Card.

When he has all eight badges & signatures, he can fight the Elite Four in the same manner. If he beats the Champion, he is officially the new champion and gets the one existing Champion Pin when he wins. Next time a new trainer wants to fight the Champion, they come to him.

Boom. Pokemon League. Now, it might seem like a long process, with a lot of travelling all over the land. Yeah, hi, IT'S CALLED A POKEMON JOURNEY ok? Think of the experiences you're gonna have and the time spent playing Pokemon on the train. Excellent.

In terms of trainers fighting trainers on their journey, there will be an optional and generic trainer...um...also badge? To be worn when a trainer has their DS with them and they are happy to battle someone - so if you're playign Pokemon and see someone with a "!" Pokemon Trainer Badge, then you can ask them for a battle! Primo.

So there you go. There'll be problems to iron out at first sure. But I think we could have this down by 2013, no trouble. Plus, it beats the idea I had when I was twelve. When I was twelve, the idea I proposed to my friend was that in the future we can have all the floors, everywhere, across the world, outside and in, layered with a metal computer system that generated hollograms - hollograms of Pokemon. And that we would have Pokeballs that could interact with and save these Pokemon, either beaming out our own or capturing the other. That one might not be ready for 2013. 2050, maybe.

In the meantime, I'm taking applications from would be Gym Leaders. You just need your own city, theme and badge name/desgin.

Day 4 in the Unova Region - Bridges Apart

Leaving behind that stupid old town I went in pursuit of Team Plasma in a nearby forest, but not before catching some stupid looking Pokemon. I turned down catching a Tympole, although I would be back here some days later to catch one. FUTURE SIGHT.

Anyway, these woods were populated by some pretty silly Pokemon and as well as battling members of Team Plasma I took this chance to train up ma Poke-mons in the wild. On I went and eventually I came upon the guy who had taken the Dragonite skull. I cut him down to size and he'll no doubt think twice before jerking around with skull stealers again, boy howdy he will.

I also had to deal with a drag queen called Ghetis who I had met once before. Whenever I see him he always comes right up to me and gets all in my grill. He has no concept of personal space and I find him creepy. He's a bit of a nut-job, so I ignored him and made for the forest exit.

This lead me to a bridge. A big, fuck-off, 3D bridge!! It took, FOREVER to cross. I mean, once the DS has shown off it's ability to construct a 3D, curly bridge and I've been on it for 3 minutes, that's enough. And their idea of bustling traffic going underneath the bridge consists of one, green topped truck that seems to be the only vehicle in the entirety of the Unova region. Anyway, there were no bikers hanging around to battle, as would be in-keeping with most Pokemon bridges. I got across eventually, with my running shoes worn thin and descended into Castelia City.

This was all too overwhelming for me. Honestly, by Pokemon standards, it was too big, there were too many people to talk to, so I went and skulked around a Pokemon Centre for an hour. I wanted nothing to do with it.

When I came out, I just went up an alley way, ignored everyone and went into the desert. Here I finally found two, brilliant looking Pokemon that I was determined to catch. They were, BOOM:

Darumaka (who I called Hugo)



See, this guy is great, because right, he's a fire Pokemon, which I needed, and also, it's sort of in the shape of an egg. So you can't say fairer than that really. I like how in Pokemon Black & White the Pokemon all have this sort of gif. like movement AND as a side-note here, they also close their eyes if they are put to sleep......I sound like a child with a doll.

The next great Pokemon I caught was, BOOM:

Scraggy (which I called Chuckles)



First of all, my nicknames are great. Second of all, Scraggy is great, because it keeps trying to pull its trousers up, right, but it can't. I just like Pokemon who look the right side of ridiculous, which these two do.
I was expecting a ground type or something here, but Scraggy is extremely useful as a Fighting & Dark type. Well worth catching also, because later when you fight the "Elite" Four, you will find that a Fighting/Dark type will pretty much win against everyone on its own.

So now I had five Pokemon (which is plenty to be getting on with). Eventually I wandered back into Castelia City. But I didn't want to.

Gone Fishing

In the Pokemon Universe, people don't necassarily choose a career. Indeed, few people seem to actually work and the place exists like some sort of communist bohemia. However, that is not to say that life is without it's choices for the people of Unova.

Everybody but everybody has to make a choice in Pokemon and that choice is, 'What Stereotype or Category of Person Will You Be'? For example, if you like camping and your name is Terry, you will now be defined as 'Camper Terry'. If you like a good walk and you're named Winston, chances are that you will be generally known as 'Hiker Winston'...and of course if you like fishing and you happen to be called Brian, you sir, will widely be regarded as, 'Fisherman Brian'.



(An interesting side note is that outdoor activites rarely seem to have female Pokemon trainers - apparently all the hiker girls are concentrating on hiking, not Pokemon)

The point of this article is not, though, the fact that everyone gets defined by their favourite past-time. My actual issue is quite apart from this and a lot more specific to one guy.

In every single version of Pokemon that there has ever been, there has always been one fisherman that stands out against the army of other fisherman. This guy has a strong and stubborn philosophy when it comes to Pokemon - and that philosophy is, an entire team of Magikarp, and only Magikarp.

At what point was he sitting there fishing when he thought to himself "Boy I love my Magikarp. I wish I...no, I couldn't possibly...would society allow it? Would society allow me to train an entire squad of just Magikarp? Even at level 60, I could stop them from ever evolving. I'd be WORLD-RENOWNED"

What happens though, is that a young, shot-gun trainer, like Trainer Chaz for example, comes walking along, thinks "Oh, some experience for my grass pokemon versus adversaries like Seaking, Finneon aaand...um...Tentacool!" - but no, what I have to do is trawl through a never-ending team of level 60 Magikarp, who reward me less experience than wild Pokemon! And there is ONE of these guys in EVERY single version of the game. And I suppose what I want is for him to seriously question why he has become a pokemon trainer and not just dumbly say to me afterwards "I have no idea why I only catch Magikarp!" - ITS BECAUSE YOU'RE USING AN OLD ROD STUPID.



p.s. and while we're at it, fuck those Bug Catchers who turn up with a squad full of Metapods. I haven't got time for your tomfoolery, go back to Viridian Forest ya jerk-offs.

Day 3 in the Unova Region - A Town Full of Smug

I finally got out of that dang town and set off towards Route 3. Found a day care centre, which was pretty useless to me at this stage in my adventure and a play ground with a slide. Given Pokemon Black & White's constant need to show off it's graphic capabilities, I was surprised that my character strolled down the slippery side of the slide as if it were a bit of a gentle hill - I expected to see my character whip down it or something. I didn't particularly care though, so on I went.



Just as I tried to turn down Route 3, those bestest friends of mine, Cheren and Bianca turn up, bleeting on about some kid and some thieves and so on. Bianca, who has been designed as just a bit too much of a weiner for my taste, stays with this kid who has had their pokemon stolen and Cheren and I are supposed to pursue Team Plasma to Wellspring Cave. Now, I'd already been over there a few minutes ago and caught my first and my second Pokemon, a Roggenrola and a Woobat. Roggenrola, because knowing Pokemon, something so poo and small will become good. Woobat, because it looks just the right shade of ridiculous. Funny, but not desperate. Anyway, I didn't much fancy heading back that way, but however many times I tried to go the way I wanted, Bianca must have summoned some sort of super-human strength or shown me her bazongas or something because try as I might, I was not allowed to go the way I wanted. So I had to go and help Cheren.

While there seemed room for a double-battle here, the game instead opted to make me fight slowly through these two Team Plasma goons, along with Cheren who I don't think did much.
I wonder why it is that Team Plasma, an organisation who must be spread across Unova, find it only ever worth catching crappy old Patrats, who are essentially jumped up Rattatas who automatically learn Bide. I want a challenge, why doesn't Team Plasma try and seduce trainers like me? There's no point in them using Bide when I can knock them out in one or two moves. Idiots.

Anyway, it was easy and a waste of time. We got the Pokemon back, gave it to the kid and was I on my way. I wandered around Route 3 for a long time, training up my new Pokemon, Greta and Bongo. Good names. I didn't catch a Blitzle, because I knew that literally everyone else would catch one. And I decided that I really hated Purrloin.



Eventually I got to Nacrene City. For some reason, everyone kept trying to sell me furniture I didn't need and it was full of back-packers and coffee shops. It was like Glastonbury, crossed with Pottery Barn...situated in Belgium. So, basically, it was awful. I went off to fight the gym leader, who was an embarassment and who used normal type Pokemon. Tougher than the firts gym obviously, but come on. Once again, I was left wondering how by this standard, Brock & Misty weren't in the Elite Four, given how tough they were in Red & Blue.

Anyway, when I came out some Team Plasma bastards stole a Dragonite skull. Guess who had to do something about it? Honestly, it was like dealing with the Hamburgler every two bloody minutes. "Oh, Chaz, could I ask you to go after them?" - what? No? It's not my bloody museum! Oh, and you want me to take the rubbish out and make the beds first I guess? No, sod off.



Anyway, I went and pursued them through some forest, but not before saving the game in the Pokemon Centre.

Pokemon Design Errors

Here are a group of early Pokemon who I just had no desire to catch whatsoever because they were just terrible. I know it must be hard by this version, but some of the designs that follow are either lazy or misguided. They're just rubbish. Come on guys, pick up the pace. Pokemon like Scrafty (as well as Scraggy) look damn rad:



Whereas the following image documents some of the worst ideas and designs for Pokemon Black & White. I feel a little guilty, because I do of course love all Pokemon equally with all my heart, BUT COME ON, he has a little karate uniform, GET IT TOGETHER GUYS:

Livin' Fast in Black City

What the hell? What's the deal? You can't fight me, I'm in a city, this is a residential area, not the unrealisitc backwater countryside of every Pokemon region the world over! We never used to battle like this back in Pallet Town.

I just wandered into Black City like a lost cowboy, a berg so badly named that it ought to be populated only with film-noir detectives and sci-fi gun-slingers; the kind who keep to themself.
Indeed it would be a miracle if people would keep to themselves here in Black City. Every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to battle me! I wasn't expecting this because previous to now, that wasn't allowed. I always presumed that no battling happened in towns because of the damage it caused! Isn't that what the Pokemon gyms are for? The first three people I spoke to insisted on battling me upon my arrival and every time I thought the previous one had been a one off fluke - but apparently it's a thing, it's a fad. When I finally dragged my Gigalith back to the Pokemon Centre I half expected Nurse Joy to throw herself across the counter and unleash a furious Chansey on my ass (which no one likes to see happen).

Anyway, it's not right. People could have been hurt. I don't get Black City. It's too big. The camera is zoomed out. What's its game, what's its angle? I wonder if the people who own Pokemon White are having more fun than me in that bloody gigantic forest...sigh...I bet it's wonderful there! Much better than this sterile, nightmare that has all the personality of an iPad.


I couldn't accurately put this on a background of Black City, clearly...but the message is clear. I'm vain, so the original is below.

Highbrow Hiker

Some Hiker over on Route 15 just spoke latin to me before launching into a battle. I remember when they used to go "GUFAW GUFAW" or explain how 'echoes' worked...before inexplicably launching into battle with a low level Geodude; what gives? Somewhere along the line, these guys got taught some shit. The Unova School of Hiker-Reform perhaps?



Next up, can we get Youngster Joey to shut the fuck up about shorts? I hope not, I love that guy. But he might tell me about them in Spanish.

The Trainer Campaign for Brighter Caves

I think I speak for trainers everywhere when I say that modern caves are too dark. Darkness in itself is not such a bad thing, but given the level of gadgetry that a trainer can enjoy in the Unova region, from the ridiculously unnecessary C-Gear to the important necessity of running shoes, how is it that no one has ever thought to give me a torch for those pitch black caves.

I recently revisted Wellspring Cave, where I had caught my second Pokemon some time previously. Employing the useful HM03, Surf, I was able to further explore what this cave had to offer. I've always been happy for a squad member to have Surf as one its moves. At 95 damage and 100% accuracy, it is in many ways a better water move than Hydro Pump. Not only that, it of course allows you to surf across water.

My expedition into the depths of Wellspring Cave lead me down some stairs and regrettably into darkness. Now, despite an odd spotlight following my immediate person around, I couldn't see very much in this cave. Luckily I own Flash, an HM move so terrible that it became TM70. However, a stranger handing over TM70 free of charge, hardly makes up for the fact that no one has ever thought to give me a torch. That is because, the advantage of a torch would be that I would not have to use one of my Pokemon's precious move slots with a TM that does so little, yet, which is so essential to my navigating my way around. Surf is essential to the game and doesn't severly handicap your Pokemon if you teach it to them. You teach a Pokemon Flash...you might as well tie it to a tree and call in the Hydreigon to start chowing down, because it's a sitting duck. Especially if it's a Ducklett, although I'm not sure it can learn flash.

My point is, this could all be avoided if the authorities (whoever they might be, for all intents and purposes the Unova region seems a place of anarchy ruled over by vigilanty law and terrorist groups) - ahem, but if the authorities would just invest in some lighting around popular cave locations, then perhaps I wouldn't find myself lost, walking in circles, running low on max repel and with only a vague spotlight surrounding my body to keep me company...because I am NOT wasting my time teaching any of my squad Flash; it's just not happening.

Day Two in the Unova Region - Strife in Striaton City

So I rocked up to ol' Striaton City where I was greeted by mess. Not trash, no, there is no rubbish whatsoever in the Unova region, which makes one wonder how Pokemon like Trubbish thrive in long grass when the Pokedex clearly states that "They prefer unsanitary places" and that "The combination of garbage bags and industrial waste caused the chemical reaction that created this Pokémon"...I'm not entirely sure where that must have come from in this faux-futuristic ecoverse.

These trivialities aside, I entered Striaton City with a little excitement, because as I understood it, here lay the first gym...THE FIRST-GYM. What type will it be? Something mad? Something controversial? We haven't had a psychic gym in a while, wouldn't that be exotic? And it would match some of the local Pokemon.

The local Pokemon. Found at the Dreamworks. Alright, let me explain what happened here for just a second - as soon as I turn up to this place, some stoopid Professor or assistant starts yammering on about an invention. Now, whilst Professor Oak invented the Pokedex, which is pretty useful and Professor Elm studied Pokemon eggs...this Professor had constructed some sort of giant bed, with absolutely no useful function. Whatsoever. Even later in the game, I can't think why I would want to see Pokemon dreams - yet I am tasked with retrieving some bollocks to make it work from some Team Plasma member. Was it a pokemon or piece of machinery? I forget. Anyway, I'm like, "Sister, I'm just here to win badges, I don't want to get involved with fighting a terrorist organisation" - but apparently I have no choice, so I trudge off to some dump called The Dreamworks.

Naturally I assumed that The Dreamworks would be something of a wonderland, full of colour and odd jiggery pokery - a bit like Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory. Anyway, it was a dump. I think I saw some cans, it had some cans. Bianca turned up and started whining and being useless and I was forced to fight some awful Team Plasma member who was something, something - I really just wanted to get out of there because it was the middle of the night.

Whilst there, some person offered to give me a Pokemon though, FOR FREE! I was like "AAW, TITS! FREE POKEMON!" But it was Panpour. Panpour looks like this:


I actually feel a little mean now. I'd better go back and train Dilly up again, just out of decency for the poor little guy...he does look silly though.

Since it was only Pendragon and I at this point and with no sign of even an old rod, a water pokemon was just the ticket. But I just couldn't bring myself to keep the thing in my squad, it didn't even look funny silly (as I would later discover Woobat did) it just looked stoopid and I'm a shallow kind of guy and I didn't need Panpour, who I named Dilly, cramping the style of my squad...which admittedly, contained one other Pokemon. So I crammed him into a box and after dealing with that boring Professor, went on over to the FIRST, POKEMON, GYM. At this point, someone told me that I was in a restaurant and would I like some fresh water before fighting the gym leaders - hummana-waa!?

These guys sucked beans. There were basically three brothers who each had one of these ridiculous monkey pokemon each. Their gym had the audacity to explain to me in the simplest terms that fire beats grass, grass beats water and water beats fire and that rock beats scissors. They tested me on them, before challenging me to fight only one of them! Why not just have one of you with three Pokemon for me to beat!? Instead, they shoved forward the fire-pokemon brother, since they knew that was my starter Pokemon's weakenss. I found this an exceedingly easy battle, because Pendragon was alreayd boasting some strength at Level 15 anyway. I took my badge and bid Striaton City an overdue smell ya later. I hate to be impatient with Pokemon, but the while place was a big waste of time and I wanted out of there before some other moron roped me into a meaningless chore.

ELITE Four?

[I wrote this at the beginning of the month but hadn't posted it yet so that you could gradually enjoy my days in the Unova region building up to it; however, my patience has worn thin and I haven't posted in a while, so here's a key Pokemon issue.]

What is going on? Back in my day, if you went waltzing up to the Elite Four as soon as you were physically able to, you would eventually get yo ass handed to you. You had to go away and train up your pokemon by some way before you could get all the way through and beat the Champion. Alright, I know Bruno was pretty awful...anyone who thinks they are a member of the Elite Four with two Onix in their squad, needs to take a good, long, look at themselves. In fairness though, he was a tougher cookie in Heart Gold.

My point is, surely the Elite Four of the Unova region are imposters? They were awful! By which I mean, easy as hell to beat. The same goes for every single gym leader, the most challenging of them perhaps being Clay, marginally. Perhaps if they had all spent less time on their impressive, automated bloody gyms and rooms and more time training their Pokemon to something beyond level 50, like the Elite Four of old used to do, then I'd have been marginally challenged. The Elite Four didn't knock out one of my Pokemon. Geez.

Do you remember how difficult it used to be and how much thought you had to put into things? Getting the Boulder Badge from Brock in Pokemon Red&Blue was miles harder than any of the big battles in Pokemon Black&White. Try beating a Geodude AND an Onix with only a Pidgey and a Charmander and you'll know what I'm talking about Willis. Consider the reverse fixture in Pokemon Black&White - the first gym leader, or leaders, are more concerned with teaching you that fire beats grass and dressing up like waiters than actually beating you at a pokemon contest. Oh, sorry guys, I beat you VERY easily, now get me a coffee.



Even my rivals and friends were terrible! I soon realised that all this talk from N and Ghetis about taking over the world was somewhat premature, considering the best Ghetis could muster was a level fifty Bouffalant and a level fifty-three Bisharp, which is one of the stupidest looking Pokemon to date, unless you like the Power Rangers. And also if you don't, but Bisharp just happens to look like the Red Ranger.

So in conclusion, as I sit here now as the Champion, I put it to the world that the Unova region is a child's playground. While moving bridges, online cities and rustling grass are all well and good, the Unova region might do better to bring in some competent Pokemon trainers, that could at least once send me scurrying to the Pokemon Centre. I dread to think what will happen when I migrate my Infernape, Octillery and Slaking over - HELL. THAT'S WHAT WILL HAPPEN, ALL HELL, BROKEN LOOSE, ARGH.

Cheren Used Helping Hand

So, what I have repeatedly experienced since arriving in the Unova region, is that a lot of people want to keep holding my hand, through everything. My life is full of stop starts, it's not enough to get my first Pokemon, I have to learn that fire beats grass, I have to learn how to throw a pokeball, I have to learn how to equip the running shoes, I even have to bloody find out that...get this...WILD POKEMON LIVE IN LONG GRASS.

After asking me my name and, more puzzlingly, my gender, if Professor Juniper had then asked me "By the way, do you have any previous experience as a Pokemon trainer?", to which I'd have answered yes and we could have skipped all the prep work I had to go through. Instead, the Professor went on to introduce me to my two best friends of the last ten years - nice to meet you.

The best, or rather worst, example of the constant hand holding in Pokemon Black & White comes in the shape of Cheren:



Not only does Cheren keep asking all the right questions about battling, correct use of potions and so on, but he also acts as this infuriating plot device. It's always "Hey Chaz, let's go help this girl recover her stolen Pokemon" or "Hey Chaz, help me battle Team Plasma" - no Cheren, no, this is your mess and I'll be damned if I'm getting you out of it this time. I set off to be a Pokemon Master, not a...stupid...master.

Throw in Cheren's constant philosophical musings over what it means to be a Pokemon trainer, I think my first move as a trainer in the Unova region would be to duck out quickly and take the next S.S.Anne out of here back over to the Hoenn region where it's safe. No one wrestles with their own thoughts over there, back East - back there, they've all been playing Pokemon for much, much longer than the people here and they don't need to been pushed along one square at a time.

Day One in the Unova Region

So I woke up and had my sexuality questioned by some old spinster named Professor Juniper. She had the cheek to ask me if I was a boy or a girl - I'd always thought it was pretty obvious, but I think maybe that's part and parcel of being a Professor of Pokemon is that you don't see genders too well. It was also thoughtful of the Professor to introduce me to a boy and a girl from my town, who were my age and apparently who needed introducing despite their being my best friends for the last ten years.

Today I started my pokemon adventure and my idiotic friends came over to choose a pokemon with me. They were in a gigantic birthday present and I after twenty minutes sitting in front of my DS, I chose the starter I said would be my last choice.

Boom:

So, off I waltz with this snooty looking grass type, that is, after I suffer the obligatory battle with my friends/rivals. I've never understood the "first battle", not even in Pokemon Red - how much can you learn about battling and pokemon with tackle and leer for gawd's sake? OH BOY, I THINK I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE! MY POKEMON HAS GROWL, THAT REALLY TURNED THE TIDE IN OUR FIRST MATCH. Honestly, just give me the mutha-fuckin' running shoes and I'll be on my way.

Cheren, who I sense will annoy me, challenged me to catch as many pokemon as possible in the four cubes of grass between my home town and the next one. I caught none.
Traditionally, you grow up around two types of Pokemon before you set off on your adventure, most frequently a flying type, and something domestic, with four legs. You soon learn to despise these two Pokemon and while nothing will ever be as annoying as bloody Zigzagoon, I hate this and this guy, so much:



And when they evolve they get even more annoying, because they are slightly tougher to get rid of.

By the time I've dealt with Cheren and Bianca's constant hold ups, discussing just how magical it is to be going off on an adventure and how lucky we are to be using Pokemon, about ten times over, each, I have very little time to listen to Team Plasma and even less to bother exploring the ridiculous town I'm in - and hour in, I just want something like a gym battle or a forest and it hasn't come yet. Admittedly a lot of that hour was spent coming up with the name "Pendragon" for Snivy, but COME ON. So off I go, embarking once more into another region of Pokemon - FULLY AWARE, thank you, how to catch Pokemon, how to battle Pokemon, how to heal Pokemon, where to buy things and how it's important to love and care for my pocket monsters...NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND LET ME HEARTLESSLY CALCULATE AN EFFECTIVE TEAM OF POKEMON.

Lemons Aren't Pokemon

None of these were helpful Sainsburys. Lemons aren't Pokemon, nor Pokemon, lemons, even if there are 779 results for them.

A Word From Professor Oak

I Hate Contests & Musicals

ERM, I believe the songs used to suggest that we were all trying to be a Pokemon Master...I'm tired of the TV Show always spending ten years on May & Dawns fucking contest "battles" instead of Ash and his bloody gym battles - they're the best bit! Geez. And now in Black & White I'm going to have deal with nightmarish, Glee-like competitions the whole time? WELL I'M NOT BLOODY INTERESTED - Pokemon are for manual labour, battling and pet duties. Not for singing and dancing like a bunch of fannies. Do we get horses and dogs to do that? No. Just because everyone has gotten stupid and starting loving singing and performance, which are the lowest forms of entertainment, it doesn't mean it has to creep into Pokemon. Populist nightmare. It's a videogame at it's heart and it should remain so.

Therefore, I just want battles in the Unova region. Thanks. Bye.