Not Another Bloody Big Mushroom

Why is the world stingey? If you'll recall, rare candies were the creme doo-di-doo creme, back in the days of Red & Blue. If you managed to work your way to a distant mountain peak, or had the cunning to look under an isolated looking shrub, then chances are that you got your just deserts - a rare candy.

Geezuz Christ, I mean, that shit rasies your Pokemon ONE WHOLE LEVEL! Think how much time that friggin' saves! When you're Pokemon is level 75 and it's taking millenia to level it up each time, it's pretty tempting to cram a boiled treat down it's throat now and again.

But even if your puzzle solving and natural curiosity weren't rewarded with precious rare candy, you'd at least receive something like an ether. Ethers are hugely helpful when it comes to the Elite Four and you realise that you've been using Earthquake way too much (they shouldn't make it such a good move). Plus, you can't buy ether, you have to find them, so again, it's a pretty nice thing to come across.

So you can imagine my increasing annoyance as I trecked through the Unova Region and all I could find were bloody, Big Mushrooms. There I was, walking around like a tit head, waving the "Dowsing Machine" around my head like a bloody berk (that's the itemfinder to those who prefer old skool terminology) and every time I got close to something that I expected to be amazing - IT WAS A BLOODY BIG MUSHROOM!! No! No, I don't want this! Whose idea was it at the Game Freak that decided to scatter mushrooms all over the sodding floor in this game? What botantic madman decided to chuck spores out far and wide so that every single Pokemon trainer who went out to the world was forced to traaawl through a series of undeeded crappy old fungus-prizes before on the rare occassion finding themselves an ether.

I mean, do you remember when people wanted rare candy SO badly, that they would corrupt their very save file just to gain an infinite, if illegitimate, supply of the things. Oh Cinnibar island; that coastline of yours held such mysteries, some of which even you couldn't explain. But can you imagine modern trainers today, surfing up and down one of the ports in Castelia City in order to cheat and gain x100 Big Mushrooms? No, me neither. And no, not even those mushrooms, you hippy.

A big mushroom is basically described as "a mushroom that can be sold to a collector for a high price" - WHAT COLLECTOR? That sounds as if I'm going to be wandering along one day and stummble across something called 'The Unova Region Annual Mushroom Convention '11! Come on in and join the fun! We have rissotto and rides and fancy dress and most important of all; BIG MUSHROOMS. Great. No, the only collector is your recgular shop vendor, so I'll sell that for 50 credits and be on my way shall I? Thanks for forcing me to fill my pockets with these entirely useless items. Why put these in the game, WHY? They're completely useless.

OH LORD, and don't even get me sodding started on the those bloody SMALL mushrooms.


YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!

Day 5 in the Unova Region - "Castelia City I love you; but you're bringing me down"

I put off recounting this day, because it was just blek. Right.

So as you'll recall, I largely ignored the bright lights of the big city and hung out in the desert a bit. However, I spied Cheren hanging around in the desert and, knowing him as I do, I thought he would probably (a) Rope me into thwarting Team Plasma or into getting a Skitty down from a tree, (b) Ponder with the nature of Pokemon battling and finally (c) would battle me. As such, I crept around the edges in some deep sand, catching Pokemon and battling until my squad was this ( I think):



Finally I went back into Castelia City for a gym battle. I didn't know where it was, there are too many sodding doors in this place. I ended up battling an office full of workers until finally discovering that the place was run by a wiley old janitor - or rather, the CEO liked to dress like a janitor. What is he, Princess Jasmine? Seriously. And what, were these guys all on a half day or something? I don't understand why it's ok for Office Worker Tiffany to say to me "Sure, I've got a little time to battle", when it's only midday. Hasn't she got paperwork to do? What kind of business is this, why didn't anyone say, "Yeah, sure, the CEO is right through there. Hm? Yes, that's right, he's the one with the mop". Anyway, it was all good experience. Also, in retrospect, it was called the "Battle Company"...so maybe I should have expected it. But honestly, their turnover in a recession must have been really low.

I finally found the gym at the other end of the city. The gym leader here was a fruit named Burgh who I had encountered a while back in Nacrene City. He was a total berk, who always seemed to turn up when all the action was over. He looked like Mika and minced around more than I liked for a Pokemon game.

OH, WHAT A BLOODY SHOCKER! I'm just about to walk into the gym when that berk Cheren bursts out of the door, blathering on about some sort of plot or event or...I dunno...I thought that he was in the desert for gods sake!...maybe I'm confused...anyway, that tit-head Burgh followed him out of the gym. Cue me chasing around the bloody place trying to find Burgh. This was pretty annoying, since I feel that he had a certain obligation to be at the gym. I wasn't surprised to find Burgh playing around down at the docks, but I was surprised to see him talking to a couple of girls. Bianca was there being an idiot and so was some chick called Iris - it has taken Pokemon ten years to have any kind of ethnic character whatsoever - welcome to the party Iris.

So, basically a Team Plasma grunt suddenly turns up, we're getting Bianca's Pokemon back because she idiotically had them stolen aaand, Burgh chases the guy to a building opposite his own gym (nice one Sherlock) and we all have a nice big fight, which is easily won and I'm there tapping my foot wondering why I cam back to this city and wondering when we can commence on a gym battle.



FINALLY. Everything settles down and I finally get into the gym. The walls in Burgh's gym were mysteriously covered in a sticky goo. It turned out to be honey and so slowly and with very little mental difficulty (remember how cunning old Lt. Surge was?) I broke through the various honey molds and gates that were on show as supposed obstacles. With both a fire and rock type in my squad, I made short work of the Castelia gym cronies.

Burgh dresses like a street entertainer, so I really wanted to beat him at Pokemon. As I said, my squad is rather well equipped to deal with his squad and I made short work of him (for those interested he has a Whirlipede, a Dwebble and a Leavanny). At last; I got...THE INSECT BADGE!

(PI-PIKACHU! This is a sort of 'Ash-wins-a-badge' tribute by the way)

Whoopy doo. Still, I needed it for the Pokemon League. I awkwardly accepted a TM from Burgh, called Struggle Bug, which he seemed to love but which I knew couldn't have sucked more beans unless it was a TM specifically called Suck Beans. As such, I quietly tossed it into a nearby trash can as I left. I was looking forward to leaving this god forsaken berg.

The Mysterious Pokemon Letter

I received a mysterious letter recently. I do a regular radio show every Wednesday and I was at the studio when I noticed a letter had been slipped under the door with my name on it. It said:

"This is your WWAD band, you can use this in times of need to give you guidance. Just think, 'What Would Ash Do?' I recall very little from the Pokemon I have seen, so this may not actually be helpful, but it might make you smile"



And indeed, it did. Here is said band:



I think it's fair to say that currently, Ash Ketchum has had a greater impact on my life than Jesus has, given the exposure I have had to Pokemon over the Christian church. But now that I am wearing a gold wristband that genuienly does make me feel better, I wonder, what WOULD Ash do when confronted with more domestic problems than how to beat a duel Ground/Water type with only a Fire type for company (solution; if possible, teach it Grass Knot).

Problem: You are are rejected by a girl.
WWAD?: Always refusing to lose, Ash would demand a second chance at going out with said lady. If he failed in this, he would take stock and receive an important life lesson from a close mentor, confident that next time he would triumph.

Problem: You are invited to speak at the funeral of a person you can't remember.
WWAD?: Ash trusts in the heart of his Pokemon, at all times. Similarly, he would trust that despite his having no recollection of the departed, that the name would come to him. Ash is used to speaking in an aspirational way about winning and so he would talk about death in terms of it being in direct competition with life, to which there would be a standing ovation - the memory of that person will live on in our hearts, whoever they were.

Problem: You have caught an STD.
WWAD?: Pokemon centres only treat Pokemon. Ash would rely on his uncanny luck to stummble upon a wise woman, who would have a good knowledge of natural herbs and medicines. Ash therefore would remain in her care, whilst he sent two of his best chums off to look for a particularly hard-to-find ingredient to clear up that herpes. In short, where STDs are concerned, it's time to take a back seat and to rely on your luck and your friends.

Problem: You've just been robbed.
WWAD?: Ash would get all fired up, he would locate the criminal and commence on a mad pursuit of the subject on a bike/skateboard, whilst all the time looking for the most reckless and daring way in which to finally make the capture. Alternatively, Ash would set an eccentric trap which required him and Pikachu to dress up like an animal or a clown or something. Either way, once the criminal was caught, Ash would show leniance. After hearing the criminal's sob story about a starving family and crippling debts, he would probably build the family a new house and wave the criminal off as he departed. In short, the chase and capture are key - the punishment is non-existent.

I hope that examing What Would Ash Do? has helped you in your own life.

The Entralink Makes Splash Look Like Hyper-Beam

A big deal has been made of the wonderous Entralink. Since I first began my journey, all I've heard from specialist Professors is: "With this invention we can see the dreams of Pokemon" and "Have you seen the fabulous Entralink?". Trainers too, all throughout my journey in the Unova Region: "Have you seen the huge area they have in the middle of Unova? It's called the Entralink!" or "I've heard that you can visit other people's worlds through something called Entralink..."

Don't play coy with me tubby, I see right through you, I know, that you know, what the Entralink does. I on the other hand, don't know exactly and it was a long time into my journey that I realised I could pretty much go there any time...or maybe it was only open to me once I had beaten the Elite Four or something, I don't know.

Anyway, it was with much trepidation and excitement that I accessed; The Entralink! Now, there was some confusion here for me, straight off the bat. I couldn't work out if the Entralink waaas, a computer programme, a city, a place, a game mode, a method of communication, or what - it was all incredibly vague and I hope that my fellow trainers aren't currently asking why I didn't open up the manual. No self respecting trainer needs the manual.

So, I think I must have "accessed" the Entralink, but I might also have walked or got into a state of zen, I'm not sure, but apparently "CHAZ warped to the Entralink".



And what I do know is that through the C-Gear and some blurry, wobbly screen action akin to a character flash-back, I suddenly appeared in a grassy clearing. An old man had this to say on my situation:

"First, cross a bridge in the Entralink, and go to someone's world. There must be someone who is waiting for you there".

He refused to offer me any other help beyond that and I couldn't help but feel that it was pretty presumptuous to say that '...someone must' be waiting for me there; I mean what if they weren't? I found the bridge just across the way and a sort of hand-maiden shed yet more light on where I was and what I was supposed to be doing here:

"This bridge will connect to someone else's world".

So, I guessed that it must be a bridge to Twitter, or an MTV documentary series, or something. I thought, screw it, let's go and stepped, onto, the bridge!

I tried to cross into a wall of light and was told that I wasn't connected to any other worlds yet. So, for my money, there was already a lot of falsed advertising going on amongst not only the residents of this weird pastoral Entralink neighbourhood, but also throughout the supersticious residents of Unova.

There was another bridge on the other side of the grassy area that proved just as fruitless.

Slightly above where I arrived there was a forest.
"The Entree Forest..." said the handmaiden on the door "...connects dreams and reality. People say dreams come true here". I started rubbing my hands together, expecting to find on the other side of this forest:

(a) Glastonbury
(b) An opium den
(c) My own hareem
(d) All of the above

I went inside and there was absolutely tit all in there. Nadda, nothing. Not a dicky bird. All this bollocks about Pokemon dreams and there was a weird series of forest doors that led back to one another, like some sort of Shakesperian farce, only with none of the sex.

Once I finally found my way out I went to the bottom part of the Entralink area and found what was, in fairness, it's most redeeming factor; the exit teleport.

Now, looking at the map suggests to me that a HUGE area has been surrendered to this project by whoever runs the Unova Region. For my money, that was a huge error. This could have been used for another couple of cities, a couple more gyms, maybe some bloody challenges left over for exploration once I've found the Seven Sages and completed the main game? I mean geez. What a big waste of time. The whole thing was symptomatic of Pokemon Black & White's over-complicated add-ons, extras and gadgetry. If you're going to do something this overly elaborate, do it properly instead of offering so little reward, eh?

Truly, the Entralink makes splash look like hyper-beam.