Day Two in the Unova Region - Strife in Striaton City

So I rocked up to ol' Striaton City where I was greeted by mess. Not trash, no, there is no rubbish whatsoever in the Unova region, which makes one wonder how Pokemon like Trubbish thrive in long grass when the Pokedex clearly states that "They prefer unsanitary places" and that "The combination of garbage bags and industrial waste caused the chemical reaction that created this Pokémon"...I'm not entirely sure where that must have come from in this faux-futuristic ecoverse.

These trivialities aside, I entered Striaton City with a little excitement, because as I understood it, here lay the first gym...THE FIRST-GYM. What type will it be? Something mad? Something controversial? We haven't had a psychic gym in a while, wouldn't that be exotic? And it would match some of the local Pokemon.

The local Pokemon. Found at the Dreamworks. Alright, let me explain what happened here for just a second - as soon as I turn up to this place, some stoopid Professor or assistant starts yammering on about an invention. Now, whilst Professor Oak invented the Pokedex, which is pretty useful and Professor Elm studied Pokemon eggs...this Professor had constructed some sort of giant bed, with absolutely no useful function. Whatsoever. Even later in the game, I can't think why I would want to see Pokemon dreams - yet I am tasked with retrieving some bollocks to make it work from some Team Plasma member. Was it a pokemon or piece of machinery? I forget. Anyway, I'm like, "Sister, I'm just here to win badges, I don't want to get involved with fighting a terrorist organisation" - but apparently I have no choice, so I trudge off to some dump called The Dreamworks.

Naturally I assumed that The Dreamworks would be something of a wonderland, full of colour and odd jiggery pokery - a bit like Willy Wonkas Chocolate Factory. Anyway, it was a dump. I think I saw some cans, it had some cans. Bianca turned up and started whining and being useless and I was forced to fight some awful Team Plasma member who was something, something - I really just wanted to get out of there because it was the middle of the night.

Whilst there, some person offered to give me a Pokemon though, FOR FREE! I was like "AAW, TITS! FREE POKEMON!" But it was Panpour. Panpour looks like this:


I actually feel a little mean now. I'd better go back and train Dilly up again, just out of decency for the poor little guy...he does look silly though.

Since it was only Pendragon and I at this point and with no sign of even an old rod, a water pokemon was just the ticket. But I just couldn't bring myself to keep the thing in my squad, it didn't even look funny silly (as I would later discover Woobat did) it just looked stoopid and I'm a shallow kind of guy and I didn't need Panpour, who I named Dilly, cramping the style of my squad...which admittedly, contained one other Pokemon. So I crammed him into a box and after dealing with that boring Professor, went on over to the FIRST, POKEMON, GYM. At this point, someone told me that I was in a restaurant and would I like some fresh water before fighting the gym leaders - hummana-waa!?

These guys sucked beans. There were basically three brothers who each had one of these ridiculous monkey pokemon each. Their gym had the audacity to explain to me in the simplest terms that fire beats grass, grass beats water and water beats fire and that rock beats scissors. They tested me on them, before challenging me to fight only one of them! Why not just have one of you with three Pokemon for me to beat!? Instead, they shoved forward the fire-pokemon brother, since they knew that was my starter Pokemon's weakenss. I found this an exceedingly easy battle, because Pendragon was alreayd boasting some strength at Level 15 anyway. I took my badge and bid Striaton City an overdue smell ya later. I hate to be impatient with Pokemon, but the while place was a big waste of time and I wanted out of there before some other moron roped me into a meaningless chore.

ELITE Four?

[I wrote this at the beginning of the month but hadn't posted it yet so that you could gradually enjoy my days in the Unova region building up to it; however, my patience has worn thin and I haven't posted in a while, so here's a key Pokemon issue.]

What is going on? Back in my day, if you went waltzing up to the Elite Four as soon as you were physically able to, you would eventually get yo ass handed to you. You had to go away and train up your pokemon by some way before you could get all the way through and beat the Champion. Alright, I know Bruno was pretty awful...anyone who thinks they are a member of the Elite Four with two Onix in their squad, needs to take a good, long, look at themselves. In fairness though, he was a tougher cookie in Heart Gold.

My point is, surely the Elite Four of the Unova region are imposters? They were awful! By which I mean, easy as hell to beat. The same goes for every single gym leader, the most challenging of them perhaps being Clay, marginally. Perhaps if they had all spent less time on their impressive, automated bloody gyms and rooms and more time training their Pokemon to something beyond level 50, like the Elite Four of old used to do, then I'd have been marginally challenged. The Elite Four didn't knock out one of my Pokemon. Geez.

Do you remember how difficult it used to be and how much thought you had to put into things? Getting the Boulder Badge from Brock in Pokemon Red&Blue was miles harder than any of the big battles in Pokemon Black&White. Try beating a Geodude AND an Onix with only a Pidgey and a Charmander and you'll know what I'm talking about Willis. Consider the reverse fixture in Pokemon Black&White - the first gym leader, or leaders, are more concerned with teaching you that fire beats grass and dressing up like waiters than actually beating you at a pokemon contest. Oh, sorry guys, I beat you VERY easily, now get me a coffee.



Even my rivals and friends were terrible! I soon realised that all this talk from N and Ghetis about taking over the world was somewhat premature, considering the best Ghetis could muster was a level fifty Bouffalant and a level fifty-three Bisharp, which is one of the stupidest looking Pokemon to date, unless you like the Power Rangers. And also if you don't, but Bisharp just happens to look like the Red Ranger.

So in conclusion, as I sit here now as the Champion, I put it to the world that the Unova region is a child's playground. While moving bridges, online cities and rustling grass are all well and good, the Unova region might do better to bring in some competent Pokemon trainers, that could at least once send me scurrying to the Pokemon Centre. I dread to think what will happen when I migrate my Infernape, Octillery and Slaking over - HELL. THAT'S WHAT WILL HAPPEN, ALL HELL, BROKEN LOOSE, ARGH.

Cheren Used Helping Hand

So, what I have repeatedly experienced since arriving in the Unova region, is that a lot of people want to keep holding my hand, through everything. My life is full of stop starts, it's not enough to get my first Pokemon, I have to learn that fire beats grass, I have to learn how to throw a pokeball, I have to learn how to equip the running shoes, I even have to bloody find out that...get this...WILD POKEMON LIVE IN LONG GRASS.

After asking me my name and, more puzzlingly, my gender, if Professor Juniper had then asked me "By the way, do you have any previous experience as a Pokemon trainer?", to which I'd have answered yes and we could have skipped all the prep work I had to go through. Instead, the Professor went on to introduce me to my two best friends of the last ten years - nice to meet you.

The best, or rather worst, example of the constant hand holding in Pokemon Black & White comes in the shape of Cheren:



Not only does Cheren keep asking all the right questions about battling, correct use of potions and so on, but he also acts as this infuriating plot device. It's always "Hey Chaz, let's go help this girl recover her stolen Pokemon" or "Hey Chaz, help me battle Team Plasma" - no Cheren, no, this is your mess and I'll be damned if I'm getting you out of it this time. I set off to be a Pokemon Master, not a...stupid...master.

Throw in Cheren's constant philosophical musings over what it means to be a Pokemon trainer, I think my first move as a trainer in the Unova region would be to duck out quickly and take the next S.S.Anne out of here back over to the Hoenn region where it's safe. No one wrestles with their own thoughts over there, back East - back there, they've all been playing Pokemon for much, much longer than the people here and they don't need to been pushed along one square at a time.

Day One in the Unova Region

So I woke up and had my sexuality questioned by some old spinster named Professor Juniper. She had the cheek to ask me if I was a boy or a girl - I'd always thought it was pretty obvious, but I think maybe that's part and parcel of being a Professor of Pokemon is that you don't see genders too well. It was also thoughtful of the Professor to introduce me to a boy and a girl from my town, who were my age and apparently who needed introducing despite their being my best friends for the last ten years.

Today I started my pokemon adventure and my idiotic friends came over to choose a pokemon with me. They were in a gigantic birthday present and I after twenty minutes sitting in front of my DS, I chose the starter I said would be my last choice.

Boom:

So, off I waltz with this snooty looking grass type, that is, after I suffer the obligatory battle with my friends/rivals. I've never understood the "first battle", not even in Pokemon Red - how much can you learn about battling and pokemon with tackle and leer for gawd's sake? OH BOY, I THINK I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE! MY POKEMON HAS GROWL, THAT REALLY TURNED THE TIDE IN OUR FIRST MATCH. Honestly, just give me the mutha-fuckin' running shoes and I'll be on my way.

Cheren, who I sense will annoy me, challenged me to catch as many pokemon as possible in the four cubes of grass between my home town and the next one. I caught none.
Traditionally, you grow up around two types of Pokemon before you set off on your adventure, most frequently a flying type, and something domestic, with four legs. You soon learn to despise these two Pokemon and while nothing will ever be as annoying as bloody Zigzagoon, I hate this and this guy, so much:



And when they evolve they get even more annoying, because they are slightly tougher to get rid of.

By the time I've dealt with Cheren and Bianca's constant hold ups, discussing just how magical it is to be going off on an adventure and how lucky we are to be using Pokemon, about ten times over, each, I have very little time to listen to Team Plasma and even less to bother exploring the ridiculous town I'm in - and hour in, I just want something like a gym battle or a forest and it hasn't come yet. Admittedly a lot of that hour was spent coming up with the name "Pendragon" for Snivy, but COME ON. So off I go, embarking once more into another region of Pokemon - FULLY AWARE, thank you, how to catch Pokemon, how to battle Pokemon, how to heal Pokemon, where to buy things and how it's important to love and care for my pocket monsters...NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND LET ME HEARTLESSLY CALCULATE AN EFFECTIVE TEAM OF POKEMON.

Lemons Aren't Pokemon

None of these were helpful Sainsburys. Lemons aren't Pokemon, nor Pokemon, lemons, even if there are 779 results for them.

A Word From Professor Oak

I Hate Contests & Musicals

ERM, I believe the songs used to suggest that we were all trying to be a Pokemon Master...I'm tired of the TV Show always spending ten years on May & Dawns fucking contest "battles" instead of Ash and his bloody gym battles - they're the best bit! Geez. And now in Black & White I'm going to have deal with nightmarish, Glee-like competitions the whole time? WELL I'M NOT BLOODY INTERESTED - Pokemon are for manual labour, battling and pet duties. Not for singing and dancing like a bunch of fannies. Do we get horses and dogs to do that? No. Just because everyone has gotten stupid and starting loving singing and performance, which are the lowest forms of entertainment, it doesn't mean it has to creep into Pokemon. Populist nightmare. It's a videogame at it's heart and it should remain so.

Therefore, I just want battles in the Unova region. Thanks. Bye.