Day 4 in the Unova Region - Bridges Apart

Leaving behind that stupid old town I went in pursuit of Team Plasma in a nearby forest, but not before catching some stupid looking Pokemon. I turned down catching a Tympole, although I would be back here some days later to catch one. FUTURE SIGHT.

Anyway, these woods were populated by some pretty silly Pokemon and as well as battling members of Team Plasma I took this chance to train up ma Poke-mons in the wild. On I went and eventually I came upon the guy who had taken the Dragonite skull. I cut him down to size and he'll no doubt think twice before jerking around with skull stealers again, boy howdy he will.

I also had to deal with a drag queen called Ghetis who I had met once before. Whenever I see him he always comes right up to me and gets all in my grill. He has no concept of personal space and I find him creepy. He's a bit of a nut-job, so I ignored him and made for the forest exit.

This lead me to a bridge. A big, fuck-off, 3D bridge!! It took, FOREVER to cross. I mean, once the DS has shown off it's ability to construct a 3D, curly bridge and I've been on it for 3 minutes, that's enough. And their idea of bustling traffic going underneath the bridge consists of one, green topped truck that seems to be the only vehicle in the entirety of the Unova region. Anyway, there were no bikers hanging around to battle, as would be in-keeping with most Pokemon bridges. I got across eventually, with my running shoes worn thin and descended into Castelia City.

This was all too overwhelming for me. Honestly, by Pokemon standards, it was too big, there were too many people to talk to, so I went and skulked around a Pokemon Centre for an hour. I wanted nothing to do with it.

When I came out, I just went up an alley way, ignored everyone and went into the desert. Here I finally found two, brilliant looking Pokemon that I was determined to catch. They were, BOOM:

Darumaka (who I called Hugo)



See, this guy is great, because right, he's a fire Pokemon, which I needed, and also, it's sort of in the shape of an egg. So you can't say fairer than that really. I like how in Pokemon Black & White the Pokemon all have this sort of gif. like movement AND as a side-note here, they also close their eyes if they are put to sleep......I sound like a child with a doll.

The next great Pokemon I caught was, BOOM:

Scraggy (which I called Chuckles)



First of all, my nicknames are great. Second of all, Scraggy is great, because it keeps trying to pull its trousers up, right, but it can't. I just like Pokemon who look the right side of ridiculous, which these two do.
I was expecting a ground type or something here, but Scraggy is extremely useful as a Fighting & Dark type. Well worth catching also, because later when you fight the "Elite" Four, you will find that a Fighting/Dark type will pretty much win against everyone on its own.

So now I had five Pokemon (which is plenty to be getting on with). Eventually I wandered back into Castelia City. But I didn't want to.

Gone Fishing

In the Pokemon Universe, people don't necassarily choose a career. Indeed, few people seem to actually work and the place exists like some sort of communist bohemia. However, that is not to say that life is without it's choices for the people of Unova.

Everybody but everybody has to make a choice in Pokemon and that choice is, 'What Stereotype or Category of Person Will You Be'? For example, if you like camping and your name is Terry, you will now be defined as 'Camper Terry'. If you like a good walk and you're named Winston, chances are that you will be generally known as 'Hiker Winston'...and of course if you like fishing and you happen to be called Brian, you sir, will widely be regarded as, 'Fisherman Brian'.



(An interesting side note is that outdoor activites rarely seem to have female Pokemon trainers - apparently all the hiker girls are concentrating on hiking, not Pokemon)

The point of this article is not, though, the fact that everyone gets defined by their favourite past-time. My actual issue is quite apart from this and a lot more specific to one guy.

In every single version of Pokemon that there has ever been, there has always been one fisherman that stands out against the army of other fisherman. This guy has a strong and stubborn philosophy when it comes to Pokemon - and that philosophy is, an entire team of Magikarp, and only Magikarp.

At what point was he sitting there fishing when he thought to himself "Boy I love my Magikarp. I wish I...no, I couldn't possibly...would society allow it? Would society allow me to train an entire squad of just Magikarp? Even at level 60, I could stop them from ever evolving. I'd be WORLD-RENOWNED"

What happens though, is that a young, shot-gun trainer, like Trainer Chaz for example, comes walking along, thinks "Oh, some experience for my grass pokemon versus adversaries like Seaking, Finneon aaand...um...Tentacool!" - but no, what I have to do is trawl through a never-ending team of level 60 Magikarp, who reward me less experience than wild Pokemon! And there is ONE of these guys in EVERY single version of the game. And I suppose what I want is for him to seriously question why he has become a pokemon trainer and not just dumbly say to me afterwards "I have no idea why I only catch Magikarp!" - ITS BECAUSE YOU'RE USING AN OLD ROD STUPID.



p.s. and while we're at it, fuck those Bug Catchers who turn up with a squad full of Metapods. I haven't got time for your tomfoolery, go back to Viridian Forest ya jerk-offs.

Day 3 in the Unova Region - A Town Full of Smug

I finally got out of that dang town and set off towards Route 3. Found a day care centre, which was pretty useless to me at this stage in my adventure and a play ground with a slide. Given Pokemon Black & White's constant need to show off it's graphic capabilities, I was surprised that my character strolled down the slippery side of the slide as if it were a bit of a gentle hill - I expected to see my character whip down it or something. I didn't particularly care though, so on I went.



Just as I tried to turn down Route 3, those bestest friends of mine, Cheren and Bianca turn up, bleeting on about some kid and some thieves and so on. Bianca, who has been designed as just a bit too much of a weiner for my taste, stays with this kid who has had their pokemon stolen and Cheren and I are supposed to pursue Team Plasma to Wellspring Cave. Now, I'd already been over there a few minutes ago and caught my first and my second Pokemon, a Roggenrola and a Woobat. Roggenrola, because knowing Pokemon, something so poo and small will become good. Woobat, because it looks just the right shade of ridiculous. Funny, but not desperate. Anyway, I didn't much fancy heading back that way, but however many times I tried to go the way I wanted, Bianca must have summoned some sort of super-human strength or shown me her bazongas or something because try as I might, I was not allowed to go the way I wanted. So I had to go and help Cheren.

While there seemed room for a double-battle here, the game instead opted to make me fight slowly through these two Team Plasma goons, along with Cheren who I don't think did much.
I wonder why it is that Team Plasma, an organisation who must be spread across Unova, find it only ever worth catching crappy old Patrats, who are essentially jumped up Rattatas who automatically learn Bide. I want a challenge, why doesn't Team Plasma try and seduce trainers like me? There's no point in them using Bide when I can knock them out in one or two moves. Idiots.

Anyway, it was easy and a waste of time. We got the Pokemon back, gave it to the kid and was I on my way. I wandered around Route 3 for a long time, training up my new Pokemon, Greta and Bongo. Good names. I didn't catch a Blitzle, because I knew that literally everyone else would catch one. And I decided that I really hated Purrloin.



Eventually I got to Nacrene City. For some reason, everyone kept trying to sell me furniture I didn't need and it was full of back-packers and coffee shops. It was like Glastonbury, crossed with Pottery Barn...situated in Belgium. So, basically, it was awful. I went off to fight the gym leader, who was an embarassment and who used normal type Pokemon. Tougher than the firts gym obviously, but come on. Once again, I was left wondering how by this standard, Brock & Misty weren't in the Elite Four, given how tough they were in Red & Blue.

Anyway, when I came out some Team Plasma bastards stole a Dragonite skull. Guess who had to do something about it? Honestly, it was like dealing with the Hamburgler every two bloody minutes. "Oh, Chaz, could I ask you to go after them?" - what? No? It's not my bloody museum! Oh, and you want me to take the rubbish out and make the beds first I guess? No, sod off.



Anyway, I went and pursued them through some forest, but not before saving the game in the Pokemon Centre.

Pokemon Design Errors

Here are a group of early Pokemon who I just had no desire to catch whatsoever because they were just terrible. I know it must be hard by this version, but some of the designs that follow are either lazy or misguided. They're just rubbish. Come on guys, pick up the pace. Pokemon like Scrafty (as well as Scraggy) look damn rad:



Whereas the following image documents some of the worst ideas and designs for Pokemon Black & White. I feel a little guilty, because I do of course love all Pokemon equally with all my heart, BUT COME ON, he has a little karate uniform, GET IT TOGETHER GUYS:

Livin' Fast in Black City

What the hell? What's the deal? You can't fight me, I'm in a city, this is a residential area, not the unrealisitc backwater countryside of every Pokemon region the world over! We never used to battle like this back in Pallet Town.

I just wandered into Black City like a lost cowboy, a berg so badly named that it ought to be populated only with film-noir detectives and sci-fi gun-slingers; the kind who keep to themself.
Indeed it would be a miracle if people would keep to themselves here in Black City. Every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to battle me! I wasn't expecting this because previous to now, that wasn't allowed. I always presumed that no battling happened in towns because of the damage it caused! Isn't that what the Pokemon gyms are for? The first three people I spoke to insisted on battling me upon my arrival and every time I thought the previous one had been a one off fluke - but apparently it's a thing, it's a fad. When I finally dragged my Gigalith back to the Pokemon Centre I half expected Nurse Joy to throw herself across the counter and unleash a furious Chansey on my ass (which no one likes to see happen).

Anyway, it's not right. People could have been hurt. I don't get Black City. It's too big. The camera is zoomed out. What's its game, what's its angle? I wonder if the people who own Pokemon White are having more fun than me in that bloody gigantic forest...sigh...I bet it's wonderful there! Much better than this sterile, nightmare that has all the personality of an iPad.


I couldn't accurately put this on a background of Black City, clearly...but the message is clear. I'm vain, so the original is below.

Highbrow Hiker

Some Hiker over on Route 15 just spoke latin to me before launching into a battle. I remember when they used to go "GUFAW GUFAW" or explain how 'echoes' worked...before inexplicably launching into battle with a low level Geodude; what gives? Somewhere along the line, these guys got taught some shit. The Unova School of Hiker-Reform perhaps?



Next up, can we get Youngster Joey to shut the fuck up about shorts? I hope not, I love that guy. But he might tell me about them in Spanish.

The Trainer Campaign for Brighter Caves

I think I speak for trainers everywhere when I say that modern caves are too dark. Darkness in itself is not such a bad thing, but given the level of gadgetry that a trainer can enjoy in the Unova region, from the ridiculously unnecessary C-Gear to the important necessity of running shoes, how is it that no one has ever thought to give me a torch for those pitch black caves.

I recently revisted Wellspring Cave, where I had caught my second Pokemon some time previously. Employing the useful HM03, Surf, I was able to further explore what this cave had to offer. I've always been happy for a squad member to have Surf as one its moves. At 95 damage and 100% accuracy, it is in many ways a better water move than Hydro Pump. Not only that, it of course allows you to surf across water.

My expedition into the depths of Wellspring Cave lead me down some stairs and regrettably into darkness. Now, despite an odd spotlight following my immediate person around, I couldn't see very much in this cave. Luckily I own Flash, an HM move so terrible that it became TM70. However, a stranger handing over TM70 free of charge, hardly makes up for the fact that no one has ever thought to give me a torch. That is because, the advantage of a torch would be that I would not have to use one of my Pokemon's precious move slots with a TM that does so little, yet, which is so essential to my navigating my way around. Surf is essential to the game and doesn't severly handicap your Pokemon if you teach it to them. You teach a Pokemon Flash...you might as well tie it to a tree and call in the Hydreigon to start chowing down, because it's a sitting duck. Especially if it's a Ducklett, although I'm not sure it can learn flash.

My point is, this could all be avoided if the authorities (whoever they might be, for all intents and purposes the Unova region seems a place of anarchy ruled over by vigilanty law and terrorist groups) - ahem, but if the authorities would just invest in some lighting around popular cave locations, then perhaps I wouldn't find myself lost, walking in circles, running low on max repel and with only a vague spotlight surrounding my body to keep me company...because I am NOT wasting my time teaching any of my squad Flash; it's just not happening.